Understanding Cultural Differences When it Comes to Dating

It is believed that dating someone from a different culture can be difficult and hard to manage. There is a tendency to think that only someone from one’s culture can genuinely accept us.  However, the truth is that acceptance and compatibility go beyond culture. For starters, culture is not the same thing as race. Culture has more to do with our backgrounds as individuals and how our environment influences our behaviors and beliefs. Our culture reflects our family values, religious influences, social connections, educational upbringing, and personal adjustments to social norms.

We can be born in the same town and still have different values and ideas about life.  Being born into the same clan or community does not make us identical.  It does mean culturally, we share similar values and beliefs, but in terms of personal preference and our social roles, we can be unique. Many areas impact how we think and interact with each other, and it is helpful to become familiar with some potential differences that can affect how we interact:

• Verbal Language – how we communicate goes beyond our mother tongue.  Many of us can speak the same language and yet use different vocabulary skills that can create trigger reactions in each other. Our verbal preferences can make others feel at ease, while some will feel disrespected and alienated.
  
• Body language – involves hand gestures and facial expressions that convey messages that can be just as confusing as verbal preferences. Physical gestures such as direct eye contact, physical touch, or smiling can express many different types of information, creating confusion and pushing our buttons.
  
• Religion – our religious practice can unite or separate individuals. When it comes to religion or spiritual beliefs, some may find ourselves challenged mostly because some practices require different restrictions we may disagree with. Religious traditions can influence social styles, meal choices, relationship roles, and personal freedoms.
  
• Physical space – the physical distance between individuals is regarded differently between different cultures.  What is viewed as personal space, others may view it as disrespectful and arrogant.
  
• Direct and frank – being upfront and transparent may seem ordinary and appropriate for many, especially folks from First world nations. Still, this behavior can be considered rude and aggressive in third world nations.
  
• Family vs. Individualism – some individuals are strongly impacted by family dynamics, and when making decisions, their family’s views play a significant role. Individuals who are raised to be independent may struggle to understand the role of family involvement when it comes to decision making.
  
• Culture vs. Race – not everyone born in the same race shares the same cultural values. The term race is simply a group identification factor and not an indication of personal beliefs and behavior patterns

When it comes to dating and relationship compatibility, though we may be from a different culture or background, we can still have a harmonious connection.  The key to a loving and healthy relationship involves more than just sharing similar traits; it consists of some type of effort, which includes some of the following:

• Boundaries – be aware that regardless of our backgrounds, we each have our type of comfort and limits when it comes to sharing our lives with others.
  
• Mindfulness – think before reacting or assuming that others understand where you are coming from.
  
• Respect Differences– we all come from unique households, and how we handle situations and cope as individuals is part of our boundary.
  
• Practice healthy compromises– it is crucial to meet our partners halfway, but the compromises need to be realistic. In other words, do not give up specific values that are essential for your well-being.
  
• Avoid stereotyping– get to know your partner as an individual rather than as a member of a particular race or cultural group
  
• Ask questions– when you are not sure about certain practices or views, ask questions. Let the individual educate you on their cultural traditions, rather than make assumptions that can lead to misunderstandings
  
• Avoid being arrogant – it is ok to have pride in one’s culture and background, but do not for a minute assume your culture is better than anyone else’s.
  
• Enjoy common views – focus on what you do have in common rather than how different you are. The need for love, understanding, and acceptance is a common need for all people, regardless of culture.
  
• Remain open – keep your mind open to new possibilities and ideas; this will allow you to enjoy your relationship fully.

Learning about different cultures enables us not just to get along but also to enjoy others’ company with less judgment and negative associations.  Keep in mind that the more you learn about others, the more your world expands.

Copyright © 2020 R. Castro

Coping with Microaggression

We live in an era where racism and sexism are alive and impacting our lives. Sometimes it is obvious and blatant, but often it is hidden and in disguise. However, if you have ever experienced racism or sexism, you have become an expert on the behaviors, whether they are subtle or in the open.

In general, it is easier to cope and deal with things when they are open and visible, but it is the hidden issues that become a challenge, specifically when it designed to be unnoticed such as microaggression.

Microaggression can be defined as subtle and sometimes even unconscious prejudiced behavior towards marginalized groups.  Microaggression is basically a covert form of racism and sexism, that is often expressed in subtle and underhanded ways, which can appear like a joke, inappropriate compliment or meaningless comment.

The problem with microaggression is that it has become an accepted behavior pattern since it borders on thoughtless and often careless gestures, so many individuals tend to assume it’s harmless.

Though microaggression may be subtle yet its impact can feel like tiny papers cut, which seem like a no big deal, yet it hurts. For individuals who constantly face microaggression, it can feel like an invisible battle, that you fight alone in your head. Microaggression can be tricky to confront because it’s so subtle, but not entirely impossible, to help you cope with microaggression, first let’s identify what it looks like:

1. Inappropriate compliments that degrade your gender or race, such as “You are pretty smart for a person of color or woman”
2. Negatively labeling you whenever you address something related to race or gender. “Angry black man or hysterical female”
3. Calling you sensitive, when you react to racial or sexual comments
4. Denying their comments and claiming you misunderstood them
5. Stereotyping you based on gender or race
6. Mistreating you because they assume your “kind” is out to hurt them
7. Bad jokes using humor to put you down and then deny they were serious
8. Careless comments: Some individuals often speak without thinking and will say racial and sexist comments without much thought

Here are some tips on handling microaggression:

1. Stop micro-aggression in its tracks by addressing as it happens
2. When someone gives you a left-handed compliment, you can use humor to address their comment.  For instance, when someone says. “you speak well.” you can say, “wow didn’t know someone like you would notice greatness”
3. Do not be afraid to speak up, there are times individual say things without thinking and do need to be reminded
4. Avoid staying silent, because this gives folks the illusion that their behavior is appropriate when it’s not
5. Be ready for a reaction which can be in the form of denial, irritation, arguing, name-calling, or minimization
6. Address the careless: Many folks honestly do not know what is inappropriate until someone points it out to them, so it is up to you as an individual to help them know your personal boundaries
7. Define your boundaries: Just because someone claims to have no ill intent or malice behind their words, they are still being thoughtless and need reminders on what is inappropriate.

Microaggression can feel horrible and sometimes makes you question whether you are being sensitive or imaging things. Keep in mind it is not an easy issue to handle since it is not always blatant and obvious, however, you know when someone is being inappropriate by the way you feel.  Hopefully, some microaggressive behavior may not always be based on obvious racism or sexism; however, it is always based on is passive-aggressive behavior that to downgrades you as a person whether its intentional or not. Addressing negative behaviors is not only about their malice intentions but about how they impact you and your overall well-being.

Keep in mind, you have a right to speak up on your behalf and you can do so assertively with balance and dignity, the key is to do so and not allow anyone to treat you poorly.

Copyright © 2020 R. Castro

 

Counseling Minorities with Racial PTSD

There is a lot of courses devoted to cultural sensitivity, yet counselors continue to struggle with working with individuals with different backgrounds. Many therapists made an effort to confront their tendencies towards stereotyping the population they serve by becoming informed of the diverse cultural issues that impact their clients. And many have learned languages just to be able to communicate effectively. Regardless how much work has taken place,  there is still more to do. For starters, there are mental health issues that need addressing such as racial PTSD and racially profiled misdiagnosed psychiatric disorders.

According to a report by the Association of Black Psychologist (2003), individual and institutional racism impact the overall mental health of clients seeking treatment. However, many therapists fail to recognize how racism impacts the psychological well-being of the clients they serve. The focus on cultural sensitivity training is often designed to develop an understanding how individuals are different, but it neglects to demonstrate how racial incidents influence mental health. In general, therapists have gained an understanding of the ethnic, cultural and religious differences of their clients. But few understand how individuals who suffer from individual and institutional racism develop PTSD issues that go beyond feeling disconnected from other groups. Many individuals experience incidents that diminish self-esteem and slowly dilutes one’s sense of worth or value, which amplify any pre-existing mental disorder. The combination of existing mental disorders and racial experience creates a unique diagnose that many clinicians overlook.

An article by Harris (2011) states researchers have indicated that many African Americans who experienced discrimination reported higher incidents of generalized anxiety disorder, as well as depression. The problem with racist related PTSD, the episodes that contribute to trauma are not always pronounced and defined in ways that can be difficult to trace, which can lead to misdiagnoses.

Researchers, Nakash and Saguy, (2015) discovered in a study that there is a high tendency to misdiagnose socially disadvantaged patients in clinical settings especially when treated by socially advantaged clinicians. Apparently, seeing the nuances of social disadvantages as having an impact on mental health is often overlooked by clinicians who came from privileged backgrounds.

Clinicians need to develop methods for identifying racial PTSD in clients. Assessments typically focus on well-known mental disorders, substance abuse, but seldom focus on racism as a contributing factor for distrust, low motivation, and other mental imbalances.

In counseling minorities or clients from a disadvantaged social background, it is essential not only to prepare clinically for the cultural differences but also perform assessments that identify potentials of racial PTSD. Assessments questions should include some examples of the following:

1. Have you ever been a victim of a racial crime
2. have passed over for a promotion because you were different
3. Has anyone used stereotypes when referring to you
4. Has anyone in your family ever faced racial harassment
5. Did you ever get bullied for being a minority?
6. Have you ever been ashamed to be from your ethnic group?
7. Do you hide your background?
8. Do you deny your heritage and why?
9. Do you hide your sexual identity?
10. Have you ever experienced microaggression and what was it like specifically?
11. Can you describe how racism impacts you both emotionally and mentally?
12. Briefly, describe your encounters with racism

The assessment tools can be like those used with trauma victims that face child abuse, domestic violence or general trauma. The idea behind the assessment is to help the therapist identify the trauma suffered by the client and its impact on their overall mental status. A proper evaluation means a proper diagnose which will create a working treatment plan with real outcomes.  Regardless of the number of assessment tools, or data, the best assessment tool will be a direct report by the client. The key however in obtaining an adequate story will be in the engagement process, which is typically influenced by the symptoms of the racial PSTD and existing cultural differences.

Copyright© 2018 Rosa Castro