Fear and its Impact

Fear can be a paralyzing and agonizing experience for some. The average person faces fear with some apprehension, but for the most part, most folks do what they can to let go of its grip. However, fear has many layers and ways in which it will impact us.  For instance, fear does some of the following when it is doing its best work:

• It makes us believe we are incapable of improving
• Reduces our efforts to improve because we subscribe to the mindset, we are beyond repair
• Feeling defeated increases feeling of depression, which also decreases the production of dopamine in the brain, which reinforces the cycle of depression
• Our lack of motivations decreases our desires to eat or follow medical recommendations
• Our drive to improve is lessened when we do not see a logical point to continue the good fight
• Fear impacts our concentration and decision-making skills
• Fear keeps us stuck and unwilling to take the necessary risk
• Fear locks us into cycles of unhealthy dependency on toxic individuals
• Fear reinforces the patterns associated with procrastination
• We avoid medical care because fear has us believing completely in worse case scenarios
• We avoid talking to people we are attracted to because we have learned to accept the belief, we are unworthy of love
• We remain in dead-end jobs because we are afraid of taking on new challenges and failing
• Fear encourages us to engage in constant Catastrophizing
• We seldom take the risk, which means we often lose out on great opportunities
• Fear is the best friend of phobia since it keeps it alive and continuously feeds it with reinforcing negative thoughts
• Fear keeps us locked in a world of constant self-doubts and stuck in worse situations
• Fear imprisons us

Change is scary, but to handle fear successfully, you need to be willing to change.  It takes effort to change the mindset that reinforces the dialogue of fear. To help you work through your worries, here is a list of healthy suggestions:

1. You do not need to turn into a superhero; just simply allow yourself a chance to try things.
2. Take baby steps since every effort will build your courage
3. Learn about Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy Techniques to help you change the beliefs that reinforce your fears.
4. Practice visualization techniques to help you imagine new realities and handle fear
5. Maintain a self-discovery journal and write down in details about your fear
6. Do a realize ritual, where you write down one thing you are most afraid of and then burn the paper, imagining you are burning away the fear
7. Read and learn about EMDR therapy to help you conquer fear and phobias
8. Practice affirmations that reinforce positive thinking patterns
9. Learn about Vagus Nerve Exercises with the help of a therapist.

Though there is a variety of useful techniques to handle fear, the most successful way to handle fear is through therapy. A therapist can help you navigate through the emotional jungle that keeps you stuck in a life infest with fear. The treatment process may be a bit scary, but keep in mind that it will help you more than remaining stuck.

Copyright © 2020 R. Castro

Resources

Dissecting terror: How does fear work?

What happens brain feel fear

Fear, anxiety and the brain physiology

How does the brain process fear


YouTube videos

https://youtu.be/CSVW2MfVsGU

https://youtu.be/46WZgrbVpM0

https://youtu.be/1IPsBPH2M1U

Copyright © 2020 R. Castro

Creating Relationship Boundaries

Healthy relationships do not happen on their own; it takes work. For starters, one of the vital elements to any type of relationship, whether it’s romantic, platonic, or family, is having boundaries. 

Many of us do not think about boundaries nor completely understand how they work or how to set them. For many, boundaries imply restrictions and limitations and fail to realize that it goes beyond that.  Boundaries are about not allowing anyone to go beyond our comfort zone, take advantage of or disrespect us. 

Boundaries vary from person to person because everyone has different values and needs as individuals. Keep in mind that not everyone has the same views regarding boundaries; therefore, what may be standard with one person may not be ok with another. 
Our boundaries allow others to know what we consider respectful or appropriate ways to treat us.  Here is a brief list of boundaries to help identify your views on boundaries:

1. Personal space – not everyone is comfortable with people standing physically close and invading their space. Respecting personal space means no hugging without permission or physically standing over their shoulders.
   
2. Alone time – whether a person is an introvert or an extrovert, alone time is valuable for restoring sanity and reducing stress. Keep in mind just because someone needs to be alone; it does not mean they are mad or dislike you. Alone time is a sacred time for individuals when they feel overwhelmed and need time to process.
   
3. Privacy – not everyone needs to share every single private thought or event with the world. The reasons for needing privacy will vary from person to person. Understand that the need for confidentiality has little to do with hiding secrets and more to do with personal space and not being ready to let the world know about every detail in our lives.  Some individuals care to know everything about their partners due to insecurities and lack of trust, making maintaining privacy a problem in romantic relationships.
   
4. Grabbing your belongings – you have a right not to want to share your things with others. Your belongings are yours to use as you please; this can be an issue with roommates and family.
   
5. Social events – If you are not in a good mood or have the energy to attend social events and need to stay home, no need to make up stories; simply let others know you are not in the best mood.
   
6. Personal disclosure – sharing details of your past is something you should share only when you feel ready, especially when it involves painful issues that trigger emotional pain.
   
7. Sexual pressures – feel free to refuse to have sex at any time you desire, regardless if a person took you out to dinner or gave you gifts.  Your body is yours, and you have a right to engage or refuse sex at your discretion.
   
8. Mental, verbal, and physical abuse – this should be a hard no.  There is no logical reason to let someone abuse you in any shape or form
   
9. Yelling or cursing – this is a hard “no” as well since this behavior paves the way for disrespect and abusive treatment
   
10. Borrowing money – do not lend anyone money, especially friends or family whom you know have bad spending habits and seldom payback. The moment you start lending money to someone with poor money habits, you become their ATM.
    
11. Visiting without calling– if you are ok with an open-door policy, then people dropping by is not an issue.  However, if you dislike this type of behavior, you need to address it as soon as it happens.  The unannounced visit can be handled in the following manner, “As much as I love your company, please call before you show up. This way, I can be prepared to attend to you.”
    
12. Overnight guest– some folks love to visit and often like to stay the night, especially when we have to work the next day. You will need to address it if you are unhappy with this.  Here’s a way to handle it, “If you wish to visit for tonight, it’s ok, but I need to be in bed by a certain time to get up early for work, which means you need to leave by a certain time.”
    
13. Party home– Folks can get super comfortable in your space and will not hesitate to throw parties in your place.  Again, if you don’t mind, then there is no need to address this issue.  However, if you do not appreciate the wear and tear of parties in your home, you need to put a stop immediately.
    
14. Excessive teasing – teasing can cross the boundaries of being friendly into annoyance and hurtful. Individuals who are survivors of childhood bullying may not take teasing lightly and can be triggered by comments meant as jokes.  If you have struggled with childhood bullying and have not learned to heal from that period, you need to let folks know that their comments are triggering. Of course, they may continue to joke since they may lack the empathy to understand, but you still retain the right to speak up and address the issue regardless of their reactions to your comment.
15. Inappropriate language – everyone has their own lexicon of what they consider indecent and vulgar language. Folks do not know our personal glossary of off-limit terms unless we let them know. Do not expect folks to know what you may find offensive upon meeting you.
16. Trigger words – trigger words are unique to us and our personal experiences; again, folks may not know what words kick open personal histories of pain and abuse until we let them know.

When you have boundaries, you get treated the way you want to be treated. If you avoid addressing issues that upset you, you run the risk of being treated poorly and with disrespect.

Copyright © 2020 R. Castro

Raising Balanced Kids

Parents often think that by attempting to shape their kids to fit social norms, they will successfully raise a child to grow up to a happy and successful adult.  The fact is that when trying to mold a child to fit it, the child is learning that they are broken and not good enough to fit into the layout of the social script by social norms.  As a parent, you are responsible for helping your child navigate life. However, you can do this without trying to change their natural personality.

The ongoing drive for parents to mold their kids to be socially acceptable members of society often negates their natural curiosity and characteristics, which sets the stage for inner conflicts and imbalance.  If we are honest, most social standards are about compliance and getting along with others, not for the sake of individual needs but for maintaining appropriate social roles.

The roles we are expected to play often involve completing an education that many cannot embrace successfully, which is why so many individuals fail to complete their education or obtain decent grades.  Of course, this does not mean a child should not finish school but instead participate in educational goals aligned with their skills and natural abilities.

Parents raise their kids to be social performers at the expense of their true nature. For instance, you have parents who push their kids to be more social when they may be introverts or engage in activities that suppress their creative spirit in exchange for roles that others deem more appropriate.

Though enrolling your kids in activities to enhance their minds may be beneficial, it can also become a burden if they lack the natural skills required for participation. Be mindful of your child’s needs, and do not assume what was right for you may be suitable for your child.  Keep in mind that education and social norms had changed a lot from when you were a child, and what worked for you may not be realistic or the best options for you. 

Remember that every generation is introduced to new options and developments, and to keep your kid locked into your childhood goals, limit them to an outdated timeframe. However, though you do not want to force them to become something they are not, you still have the role of helping them cope and manage their lives.

The key to helping your child thrive in today’s world is to do some of the following:

1. Remember that they are trying to maintain your love, so they may agree to anything even if they don’t care for it
2. Don’t force them to do things just because you did them
3. Be patient because every child has their developmental process
4. Learn to explore with your child what they need from life, rather than tell them
5. Learn to listen to the non-verbal styles of communication.
6. Be mindful of your words when speaking to your kids; they take everything literally
7. Get to know your kids, which means spending time talking directly to them
8. Make sure to maintain consistency in their lives, which means regular family dinners and time on the side for discussions
9. Do not be afraid to disagree or say no. In saying no, you are not altering their true nature, but you protect them from making poor choices that can endanger their well-being.
   

Keep in mind being a parent is a balancing act. Just because you accept your child’s views does not mean you have to agree with everything they want or give them everything they ask for. In reality, your role is to teach them how to cope with stress and manage both joy and conflicts. You can help them how to adjust without needing them to fit into unrealistic roles. Again, parenting is a balancing act, and the roles change from child to child.

Copyright © 2020 R. Castro

Understanding Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)

Many parents struggle to understand what it means to have a child with Autism and cope with the diagnosis.  Autism is a developmental disorder that impacts young children, specifically when engaging in social settings.  There are different ranges of the condition ranging from mild to severe. It can be a challenge to recognize mild cases of Autism and incorrectly assume that the child lacks disinterested or is being problematic or merely a slow starter.

Many individuals with ASD struggle to develop communication skills, engage with others, and demonstrate proper emotional responses and control. The symptoms experienced by individuals fraught with ASD are persistent and impede them from engaging with others and learning in a regular classroom setting, especially if they struggle with emotional responses.  Here are some of the symptoms:

1. When it comes to social settings such as school or outside the home, individuals struggle to engage in emotional reciprocity that is typical.  For instance, if a child is playing with others, there may be a struggle to have mimic proper social responses, such as laughing or joy. Instead, they may appear disconnected and emotionally separate.
2. There is a tendency to lack nonverbal communication skills; This means that there is no proper eye contact or body language that reveals engagement. For instance, if a person is involved in a conversation with a group of friends, the person with autism spectrum may appear disinterested and almost like they are not part of the group due to their body language
3. There is an inability to develop healthy and mutual relationships with others. There is a certain level of disconnect in their relationships due to a lack of emotional reciprocity, which gives others the impression they are not interested in being friends or being bothered
4. Individuals with ASD often display repetitive patterns and behaviors; for instance, they may insist on keeping a particular order to things, things lined up or not altered; otherwise, they will react with intensity if the order is disturbed.
5. There is a lot of focus on repetitive motor movements, which means they may engage in behaviors in which they may do the same thing repeatedly. They can repetitively flap their arms, walk on their toes or suddenly freeze in place; movements range from subtle to extreme.
6.  They prefer familiar things rather than surprises and have fixated ideas that tend to be intense
7. Hypersensitive to sensory input or odd reactions to sensory experiences.

Many of the symptoms may show up periodically, depending upon what triggers them.  A sudden change, someone new, or a disruption in their sequence of things can set them off. They can be high functioning in areas they find enjoyable, such as numbers, symbols, and science topics.  Usually, when they like a topic, they tend to become obsessed with learning all there is to know concerning the specific subject.

The first signs of ASD can appear in infants as young as 18 months, who may have gone through development stages normally yet suddenly started displaying changes; For instance, a typically engaging toddler becomes quiet, withdrawn, and non-responsive to social overtures.

Though a diagnosis during the early years, clinicians rely on specific behavior patterns before determining if a child has ASD. Typically for a diagnosis to be made, there have to be symptoms in communication skills, social engagement, or patterns of restrictive behaviors, usually around the age of 3.

Treatment

Treatment involves early intervention, which addresses the deficits in learning, attention, improving the language, and adjustment skills. Parents are encouraged to work closely with a specialist in identifying the specific areas impacting the child since the severity ranges from case to case.  Many of the types of therapies focus on managing behavior and improving communication and social skills and physical therapy when applicable. Medication is given mostly for severe cases, and when there are secondary issues.

Family and the ASD family member

Life with an ASD person can be challenging, specifically if the parents have no idea what is going on.  It is essential that parents who suspect or know about their young’s potential status seek proper support and become informed on all available areas.  For caretakers of children with special needs, they need all the assistance and guidance available for themselves and their child.  

Note:  Regardless of how many articles or blogs you have read, please seek professional help for additional guidance.  I know many individuals do not want professionals to medicate their kids, so they usually fear what will happen, which I understand. However, behavioral techniques are the primary goal of working with children who have ASD, while the medication is secondary

Copyright© 2021 R. Castro

Reference


https://www.autismspeaks.org/autism-diagnosis-criteria-dsm-5

Aspergers Syndrome: https://www.webmd.com/brain/autism/mental-health-aspergers-syndrome#1

https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/autism/hcp-dsm.html

Understanding Cultural Differences When it Comes to Dating

It is believed that dating someone from a different culture can be difficult and hard to manage. There is a tendency to think that only someone from one’s culture can genuinely accept us.  However, the truth is that acceptance and compatibility go beyond culture. For starters, culture is not the same thing as race. Culture has more to do with our backgrounds as individuals and how our environment influences our behaviors and beliefs. Our culture reflects our family values, religious influences, social connections, educational upbringing, and personal adjustments to social norms.

We can be born in the same town and still have different values and ideas about life.  Being born into the same clan or community does not make us identical.  It does mean culturally, we share similar values and beliefs, but in terms of personal preference and our social roles, we can be unique. Many areas impact how we think and interact with each other, and it is helpful to become familiar with some potential differences that can affect how we interact:

• Verbal Language – how we communicate goes beyond our mother tongue.  Many of us can speak the same language and yet use different vocabulary skills that can create trigger reactions in each other. Our verbal preferences can make others feel at ease, while some will feel disrespected and alienated.
  
• Body language – involves hand gestures and facial expressions that convey messages that can be just as confusing as verbal preferences. Physical gestures such as direct eye contact, physical touch, or smiling can express many different types of information, creating confusion and pushing our buttons.
  
• Religion – our religious practice can unite or separate individuals. When it comes to religion or spiritual beliefs, some may find ourselves challenged mostly because some practices require different restrictions we may disagree with. Religious traditions can influence social styles, meal choices, relationship roles, and personal freedoms.
  
• Physical space – the physical distance between individuals is regarded differently between different cultures.  What is viewed as personal space, others may view it as disrespectful and arrogant.
  
• Direct and frank – being upfront and transparent may seem ordinary and appropriate for many, especially folks from First world nations. Still, this behavior can be considered rude and aggressive in third world nations.
  
• Family vs. Individualism – some individuals are strongly impacted by family dynamics, and when making decisions, their family’s views play a significant role. Individuals who are raised to be independent may struggle to understand the role of family involvement when it comes to decision making.
  
• Culture vs. Race – not everyone born in the same race shares the same cultural values. The term race is simply a group identification factor and not an indication of personal beliefs and behavior patterns

When it comes to dating and relationship compatibility, though we may be from a different culture or background, we can still have a harmonious connection.  The key to a loving and healthy relationship involves more than just sharing similar traits; it consists of some type of effort, which includes some of the following:

• Boundaries – be aware that regardless of our backgrounds, we each have our type of comfort and limits when it comes to sharing our lives with others.
  
• Mindfulness – think before reacting or assuming that others understand where you are coming from.
  
• Respect Differences– we all come from unique households, and how we handle situations and cope as individuals is part of our boundary.
  
• Practice healthy compromises– it is crucial to meet our partners halfway, but the compromises need to be realistic. In other words, do not give up specific values that are essential for your well-being.
  
• Avoid stereotyping– get to know your partner as an individual rather than as a member of a particular race or cultural group
  
• Ask questions– when you are not sure about certain practices or views, ask questions. Let the individual educate you on their cultural traditions, rather than make assumptions that can lead to misunderstandings
  
• Avoid being arrogant – it is ok to have pride in one’s culture and background, but do not for a minute assume your culture is better than anyone else’s.
  
• Enjoy common views – focus on what you do have in common rather than how different you are. The need for love, understanding, and acceptance is a common need for all people, regardless of culture.
  
• Remain open – keep your mind open to new possibilities and ideas; this will allow you to enjoy your relationship fully.

Learning about different cultures enables us not just to get along but also to enjoy others’ company with less judgment and negative associations.  Keep in mind that the more you learn about others, the more your world expands.

Copyright © 2020 R. Castro