Healing from Family Rifts

We all have our unique views of the dynamics of our family. In general, even if raised within the same family unit, the concept of family can vary from individual to individual. The subject family can ignite various feelings, from fondness to uncontrollable sobbing for many.

Family history contributes to our behavior patterns and the type of relationships we manifest in our lives. Our preferences, emotional reactions, and biases have roots in our childhood origins. Our selection of romantic partners and the friendships we develop reflect our past one way or another. 

Here are areas impacted by our history

• Attracting abusive relationships – keeping ourselves locked in the abuse of the past, either as a victim or abuser
• Sabotaging behavior patterns – repeating behaviors that create barriers to success and happiness
• Our communication skills – lacking the ability to communicate with honesty and transparency
• Fear of intimacy – unable to fully enjoy intimacy
• Lack of trust – not able to trust others will care or treat us well for long
• Our views on parenthood – our ability to raise kids or even want them
• Emotional health – constant emotional roller coasters due to PTSD or undiagnosed trauma
• Coping styles – self-soothing with unhealthy choices such as drugs, alcohol, overeating, or over shopping
• Self-esteem – seeing ourselves in the worse possible light
• Relationships partners– dating people who represent our parents
• Biases – our views of people and how we stereotype them based on what we were taught as well as the limited exposure to outsiders
• Family relationships – how we relate to our family has a lot to do with unresolved conflicts

Our whole current lifestyle is anchored on the foundation of the past. If we are stuck or struggling, it is often based on what we hold onto from our past.  Remember that what occurred in the past is beyond our control, but what we hold on to is our responsibility. We have the choice to reframe our thinking and views on our life. If we decide the past defines us, we will be eternally stuck in our history, and our future will be a continuation of patterns and negative beliefs.

Without necessarily inviting anyone into our healing journey, we can begin to break patterns.  Many of us believe that we need to confront a person to let go, and they need to change.  The reality is that events have already impacted us, and regardless of how much a person apologizes or takes ownership for their painful actions, we need to be the ones to let go. It is essential to let go of the past and how it defines us, regardless of whether a person begs for forgiveness or not.  Forgiving an act of abuse or betrayal is not enough for healing. To fully recover and heal, we need to release the energy surrounding the past.

Here are some small steps to begin your healing journey:

1. Write about your current feelings – take a moment to express your frustrations and feelings regarding the person or event that created intense suffering for you
2. Recognize you are hurt – stop pretending the past did not impact you. Acknowledge once and for you that you cared about the person who hurt
3. Admit to yourself your needs – be honest about what you wanted but was denied to you
4. Identify why it matters – explain to yourself why this relationship was so important to you
5. What do you want – what did you want from your family, and how would that have made a difference to you
6. How did you grow – how did the experience shape you today
7. What can you change –your current beliefs and actions influence how you feel; what can you change
8. If the person is alive – if they are still alive, what type of relationship do you envision having, if possible.
9. If the person is deceased – Reframe the memory to avoid carrying the burden of pain

The questions are the beginnings and not the end of your healing journey. Healing is like onion peeling, where one layer leads to another.  The key to emotional restoration is not eradicating pain but making enough peace, so we do not continue to stumble upon the skeletons of our past.

Copyright© 2022. R. Castro

Resources

https://insighttimer.com/koyawebb/guided-meditations/self-love-meditation-20?_branch_match_id=895196586792047098&utm_source=More%20Share%20Options&utm_campaign=app-share&utm_medium=GuidedMeditation&_branch_referrer=H4sIAAAAAAAAA8soKSkottLXz8wrzkzXyyjRDwpJ9LZwLzc3zE8CALQBWYIcAAAA

Coping with Dying Loved Ones

There is no easy way to cope with watching someone slowly fading into the arms of death. Watching someone wither away is horrible regardless of your background and life experiences, especially if you knew them before their death journey began. 

Making decisions as a family member or a close loved one on behalf of the dying person is a huge undertaking. The responsibility being faced is daunting and heart-wrenching.  For those who have yet to face dealing with watching someone deal with a terminal illness, please brace yourselves.  You may be prepared to handle the paperwork, the estate, or whatever worldly possessions they have, but the emotional aspects of coping unfold in unexpected ways.

While your loved one is struggling with their potential last breath, you are working to remain a pillar of strength and keep yourself from emotionally falling apart. You may find yourself faking a smile and downplaying your crumbling emotional states to avoid making the dying person feel worse.

On many levels, coping can take on many forms, such as:

• Not eating much
• Not resting
• Unable to sleep full nights
• Reacting to phones due to fear of bad news
• Becoming easily irritable
• Eating poorly, such as increasing sugar or junk food consumption
• Crying spells
• Forgetting things
• Being short-tempered, especially to medical facilitators
• Avoiding conversations with others, such as friends or family
• Diving into google research looking for answers.
• Self-medicating with alcohol or drugs to numb the emotional pain
• Refusing to have discussions with others about your current situation
• Minimizing the severity of the pending doom

The list is endless of the different scenarios you can face when dealing with the dying stages of a loved one.  How you cope is essential to your mental health. And as well as for the dying person.  Though there is no one right way to manage, there are things you can do to minimize the severity of dealing with impending death.  Here is a brief list, which I am sure you can add more as you move forward:

• Avoid isolation
• Talk to other family or friends you have in common
• Get professional support.
• Take time to care for yourself because you won’t be helpful if you run out of energy.
• Keep things organized as best as possible.
• Listen with compassion to the request made by the dying person
• Make sure to eat and drink water since it will keep your energy balanced
• If you struggle with health problems, make sure to keep on top of your health care as well.
• Share the responsibility with other family members or friends.
• Get professional help, such as a home attendant or someone able to assist.
• Take time to rest, even if it’s in shifts.
• Please make sure all legal paperwork is handled, such as health care proxy, funeral arrangements, location of vital papers, and keys to their residence.
• Don’t hesitate to ask questions to the medical facilitator.

It is essential to understand that regardless of how prepared you may be for the passing of someone, your feelings and reactions will not always be predictable. Irrespective of how things occur, avoid beating yourself up for the things you didn’t do. It is common to review events after a person passes. We tend to think we fail or miss something essential when a loved one dies, especially if there is a medical procedure that goes against the wishes of the dying person. 

Death comes no matter how well prepared we are.  We may delay the event of dying, but we cannot avert the process forever. It is hard to let go and accept that someone we love has passed, and it is normal to feel we could have done something different to extend their life. Sometimes, we succeed at extending someone’s life; however, the extension does not always mean they are living with quality, which is why some folks refuse life support or become depressed when ill.  Make sure to discuss care and choices with the person.  As much as we want someone around, remember, what they want should be honored regardless of how we feel.

Copyright

Coping with Dying Loved Ones

There is no easy way to cope with watching someone slowly fading into the arms of death. Watching someone wither away is horrible regardless of your background and life experiences, especially if you knew them before their death journey began. 

Making decisions as a family member or a close loved one on behalf of the dying person is a huge undertaking. The responsibility being faced is daunting and heart-wrenching.  For those who have yet to face dealing with watching someone deal with a terminal illness, please brace yourselves.  You may be prepared to handle the paperwork, the estate, or whatever worldly possessions they have, but the emotional aspects of coping unfold in unexpected ways.

While your loved one is struggling with their potential last breath, you are working to remain a pillar of strength and keep yourself from emotionally falling apart. You may find yourself faking a smile and downplaying your crumbling emotional states to avoid making the dying person feel worse.

On many levels, coping can take on many forms, such as:

• Not eating much
• Not resting
• Unable to sleep full nights
• Reacting to phones due to fear of bad news
• Becoming easily irritable
• Eating poorly, such as increasing sugar or junk food consumption
• Crying spells
• Forgetting things
• Being short-tempered, especially to medical facilitators
• Avoiding conversations with others, such as friends or family
• Diving into google research looking for answers.
• Self-medicating with alcohol or drugs to numb the emotional pain
• Refusing to have discussions with others about your current situation
• Minimizing the severity of the pending doom

The list is endless of the different scenarios you can face when dealing with the dying stages of a loved one.  How you cope is essential to your mental health. And as well as for the dying person.  Though there is no one right way to manage, there are things you can do to minimize the severity of dealing with impending death.  Here is a brief list, which I am sure you can add more as you move forward:

• Avoid isolation
• Talk to other family or friends you have in common
• Get professional support.
• Take time to care for yourself because you won’t be helpful if you run out of energy.
• Keep things organized as best as possible.
• Listen with compassion to the request made by the dying person
• Make sure to eat and drink water since it will keep your energy balanced
• If you struggle with health problems, make sure to keep on top of your health care as well.
• Share the responsibility with other family members or friends.
• Get professional help, such as a home attendant or someone able to assist.
• Take time to rest, even if it’s in shifts.
• Please make sure all legal paperwork is handled, such as health care proxy, funeral arrangements, location of vital papers, and keys to their residence.
• Don’t hesitate to ask questions to the medical facilitator.

It is essential to understand that regardless of how prepared you may be for the passing of someone, your feelings and reactions will not always be predictable. Irrespective of how things occur, avoid beating yourself up for the things you didn’t do. It is common to review events after a person passes. We tend to think we fail or miss something essential when a loved one dies, especially if there is a medical procedure that goes against the wishes of the dying person. 

Death comes no matter how well prepared we are.  We may delay the event of dying, but we cannot avert the process forever. It is hard to let go and accept that someone we love has passed, and it is normal to feel we could have done something different to extend their life. Sometimes, we succeed at extending someone’s life; however, the extension does not always mean they are living with quality, which is why some folks refuse life support or become depressed when ill.  Make sure to discuss care and choices with the person.  As much as we want someone around, remember, what they want should be honored regardless of how we feel.

2022 R. Castro

Raising Balanced Kids

Parents often think that by attempting to shape their kids to fit social norms, they will successfully raise a child to grow up to a happy and successful adult.  The fact is that when trying to mold a child to fit it, the child is learning that they are broken and not good enough to fit into the layout of the social script by social norms.  As a parent, you are responsible for helping your child navigate life. However, you can do this without trying to change their natural personality.

The ongoing drive for parents to mold their kids to be socially acceptable members of society often negates their natural curiosity and characteristics, which sets the stage for inner conflicts and imbalance.  If we are honest, most social standards are about compliance and getting along with others, not for the sake of individual needs but for maintaining appropriate social roles.

The roles we are expected to play often involve completing an education that many cannot embrace successfully, which is why so many individuals fail to complete their education or obtain decent grades.  Of course, this does not mean a child should not finish school but instead participate in educational goals aligned with their skills and natural abilities.

Parents raise their kids to be social performers at the expense of their true nature. For instance, you have parents who push their kids to be more social when they may be introverts or engage in activities that suppress their creative spirit in exchange for roles that others deem more appropriate.

Though enrolling your kids in activities to enhance their minds may be beneficial, it can also become a burden if they lack the natural skills required for participation. Be mindful of your child’s needs, and do not assume what was right for you may be suitable for your child.  Keep in mind that education and social norms had changed a lot from when you were a child, and what worked for you may not be realistic or the best options for you. 

Remember that every generation is introduced to new options and developments, and to keep your kid locked into your childhood goals, limit them to an outdated timeframe. However, though you do not want to force them to become something they are not, you still have the role of helping them cope and manage their lives.

The key to helping your child thrive in today’s world is to do some of the following:

1. Remember that they are trying to maintain your love, so they may agree to anything even if they don’t care for it
2. Don’t force them to do things just because you did them
3. Be patient because every child has their developmental process
4. Learn to explore with your child what they need from life, rather than tell them
5. Learn to listen to the non-verbal styles of communication.
6. Be mindful of your words when speaking to your kids; they take everything literally
7. Get to know your kids, which means spending time talking directly to them
8. Make sure to maintain consistency in their lives, which means regular family dinners and time on the side for discussions
9. Do not be afraid to disagree or say no. In saying no, you are not altering their true nature, but you protect them from making poor choices that can endanger their well-being.
   

Keep in mind being a parent is a balancing act. Just because you accept your child’s views does not mean you have to agree with everything they want or give them everything they ask for. In reality, your role is to teach them how to cope with stress and manage both joy and conflicts. You can help them how to adjust without needing them to fit into unrealistic roles. Again, parenting is a balancing act, and the roles change from child to child.

Copyright © 2020 R. Castro

Understanding Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)

Many parents struggle to understand what it means to have a child with Autism and cope with the diagnosis.  Autism is a developmental disorder that impacts young children, specifically when engaging in social settings.  There are different ranges of the condition ranging from mild to severe. It can be a challenge to recognize mild cases of Autism and incorrectly assume that the child lacks disinterested or is being problematic or merely a slow starter.

Many individuals with ASD struggle to develop communication skills, engage with others, and demonstrate proper emotional responses and control. The symptoms experienced by individuals fraught with ASD are persistent and impede them from engaging with others and learning in a regular classroom setting, especially if they struggle with emotional responses.  Here are some of the symptoms:

1. When it comes to social settings such as school or outside the home, individuals struggle to engage in emotional reciprocity that is typical.  For instance, if a child is playing with others, there may be a struggle to have mimic proper social responses, such as laughing or joy. Instead, they may appear disconnected and emotionally separate.
2. There is a tendency to lack nonverbal communication skills; This means that there is no proper eye contact or body language that reveals engagement. For instance, if a person is involved in a conversation with a group of friends, the person with autism spectrum may appear disinterested and almost like they are not part of the group due to their body language
3. There is an inability to develop healthy and mutual relationships with others. There is a certain level of disconnect in their relationships due to a lack of emotional reciprocity, which gives others the impression they are not interested in being friends or being bothered
4. Individuals with ASD often display repetitive patterns and behaviors; for instance, they may insist on keeping a particular order to things, things lined up or not altered; otherwise, they will react with intensity if the order is disturbed.
5. There is a lot of focus on repetitive motor movements, which means they may engage in behaviors in which they may do the same thing repeatedly. They can repetitively flap their arms, walk on their toes or suddenly freeze in place; movements range from subtle to extreme.
6.  They prefer familiar things rather than surprises and have fixated ideas that tend to be intense
7. Hypersensitive to sensory input or odd reactions to sensory experiences.

Many of the symptoms may show up periodically, depending upon what triggers them.  A sudden change, someone new, or a disruption in their sequence of things can set them off. They can be high functioning in areas they find enjoyable, such as numbers, symbols, and science topics.  Usually, when they like a topic, they tend to become obsessed with learning all there is to know concerning the specific subject.

The first signs of ASD can appear in infants as young as 18 months, who may have gone through development stages normally yet suddenly started displaying changes; For instance, a typically engaging toddler becomes quiet, withdrawn, and non-responsive to social overtures.

Though a diagnosis during the early years, clinicians rely on specific behavior patterns before determining if a child has ASD. Typically for a diagnosis to be made, there have to be symptoms in communication skills, social engagement, or patterns of restrictive behaviors, usually around the age of 3.

Treatment

Treatment involves early intervention, which addresses the deficits in learning, attention, improving the language, and adjustment skills. Parents are encouraged to work closely with a specialist in identifying the specific areas impacting the child since the severity ranges from case to case.  Many of the types of therapies focus on managing behavior and improving communication and social skills and physical therapy when applicable. Medication is given mostly for severe cases, and when there are secondary issues.

Family and the ASD family member

Life with an ASD person can be challenging, specifically if the parents have no idea what is going on.  It is essential that parents who suspect or know about their young’s potential status seek proper support and become informed on all available areas.  For caretakers of children with special needs, they need all the assistance and guidance available for themselves and their child.  

Note:  Regardless of how many articles or blogs you have read, please seek professional help for additional guidance.  I know many individuals do not want professionals to medicate their kids, so they usually fear what will happen, which I understand. However, behavioral techniques are the primary goal of working with children who have ASD, while the medication is secondary

Copyright© 2021 R. Castro

Reference


https://www.autismspeaks.org/autism-diagnosis-criteria-dsm-5

Aspergers Syndrome: https://www.webmd.com/brain/autism/mental-health-aspergers-syndrome#1

https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/autism/hcp-dsm.html

No Perfect Closure

There will come a moment in our lives when we will be faced with the death of someone we loved.  No matter how much you read about death and the different stages of grief, nothing prepares you for the end. It does not matter who dies, the end will always be surprising even for the bravest and coolest cat.

Now, add to the mix of losing loved one to death, the final moments of someone who caused you emotional pain. Perhaps it was your biological or adoptive father or a mother whom you never seem to get along.  For years you fought painful memories, attempted to forgive the abuse and move forward as you got older.  Sadly, no matter how much therapy and self-help books or fancy affirmations you do, you still crave their love.  Your need and wish for their love and approval keeps the wound slightly opened.  You may not feel anger nor hate any longer, but you still grieve the relationship you never had.

You grieve a fantasy of a happy childhood where your mom bakes cookies and your dad takes the family out on Sunday drives. You grieve Sunday night dinners and family nights of chatter and catching-up with your day at the dinner table. You grieve the idea of getting parental advice on what to wear for senior prom and have them crying at the door as you get ready for college life. Of course, you miss the idea of your parents watching you walk down the aisle on your wedding day and them visiting the grandkids.

You have no idea of traditional values because you were not raised to embrace any specific tradition.  You do know, that as your parent dies, you are left feeling even more conflicted.  You are torn between being relieved and sad since you are aware you never had an ideal relationship. In the back of your mind, you imagined that at the end of their lives you would be completely in control of your emotional state.  But the truth is, you never know until the day arrives. Another truth, this is no perfect way to grieve.

Though at the end of your parent’s life, you may no longer be angry.  As a matter of fact, you may have dealt with the anger years ago, but you still deep down inside always wished you had had some type of relationship.  Your desire for a loving relationship never goes away when it comes to our parents. What diminishes with time is anger but our need for love is part of our human condition, which is why some of us still struggle and mourn the death of even the most abusive parent.

To get through life, you need to celebrate your own and make peace within, even if you start out slowly. Begin by practicing self care and take it from there.

Copyright © 2020 R. Castro

Taking Care of Our Caretakers(parents/guardians)

Our caretakers took care of us as kids. Made sure we had food and shelter. Some caretakers were extreme in the caretaking department which made us grow up believing caretaking is a selfless task which you do without complaining or whining. We learned that caretakers seldom rested or barely took personal time for themselves. This style of caretaking is unhealthy and exhausting since without proper rest many caregivers become stressed, vulnerable to colds and fatigue.

Taking time to recharge is not about putting anyone second or neglecting your self-appointed duties. Yes, I say self-appointed, because as caretakers we often forget to look for others to help us and don’t ask because we made it our job to handle everything. Granted, sometimes if you are an only child taking care of your aging parent, it is not a task you can share. But, as long as there are agencies for the aging, social services, etc., you can seek relief from being a 24-hour caretaker.  Creative problem solving is a crucial factor in the search for help when you find yourself being the sole caregiver.

In a situation with being the sole caretaker, there is an element of obligation and guilt involved in watching over someone who is in need of 24-hour care. The duty comes from knowing that without your help, they may die or get hurt. The guilt comes from wanting to take time to relax and recharge knowing that stepping away can be fatal. There are numerous resources available that will assist in taking care of the elderly or disabled parent in your life.

Here is a list of things to do to help you cope.

1. Review your resources and available options
2. Be prepared to negotiate with your parent since many refuse to have strangers help
3. Do not personalize their behaviors. Being sick and helpless tends to make people vulnerable and often lash out.
4. Be on the lookout for temper tantrums. Yes, they will explode and yell and curse you out.
5. Be patient. It’s not easy for our caretakers to depend on anyone so it will not be easy for them to accept 24-hour care immediately.
6. Get support to help you cope. Find a therapist, support group or friends that you can talk to when it becomes too much.
7. Work in close collaboration with a healthcare provider. Find someone you can work with to care for your parent’s medical and health needs.
8. If your parent is mobile, get them involved in senior activities outside the house, this will encourage them to interact with others.
9. Make friends with the neighbors who can monitor things if you need to run an errand
10. Get a medical alert bracelet
11. Senior proof the house, which means making sure all the medications are in the right area; there is plenty of food and bed is clean, etc.
12. Have a list of emergency numbers handy, such as the pharmacy, doctor, etc

Your self-care to do list is also part of being a caretaker

1. Enroll in a gym and workout at least three times a week
2. Meditate to help keep you centered and calm
3. Make sure to drink plenty of water and eat regular healthy meals
4. Sleep as much as possible when you can since this will keep you charged
5. Take vitamins
6. If your parent is in agreement, get a home attendant that will take over a few hours a week.
7. Keep a journal, which will help you sort out your feelings.
8. Get help housekeeping
9. If you have siblings or other available family members to take turns caring for your parents.

Taking care of our caretakers is not an easy and straightforward task. It can be exhausting and lonely. There are times when taking care of those that raised us is frustrating, but it can be an excellent opportunity to enjoy each other and provide the same loving nurturing they provided you when you were growing up. Taking care of our caretakers, whether they are our biological parents, grandparents or foster parents can be a rewarding experience, especially if you prepare yourself with resources and a plan of action.

Copyright ©2017 Rosa Castro

 

Reference

Vital Information for caretakers of the elderly

https://www.agingcare.com/

http://www.aarp.org/home-family/caregiving/info-06-2012/your-loved-ones-next-move.html

https://www.aginglifecare.org/Shared_Content/Sign_In.aspx?WebsiteKey=8593a67b-f09c-47bd-82b8-7bcc2e9732a3&LoginRedirect=true&

Services

http://ww1.nahcagencylocator.com/?sub1=2f695b92-9208-11e7-ac94-c05b5c005962

http://www.eldercare.gov/Eldercare.NET/Public/Index.asp

Financial sources

https://www.medicare.gov/index.html

https://www.payingforseniorcare.com/