Relationship Limbo

Currently, we enter relationships of various types in hopes of finding someone to love and appreciate us.  We want someone in our corner to give us emotional support and love us unconditionally.  We often do whatever it takes to win love and keep a person around, even if they mistreat us and do not provide the joyous connection we crave.  We settle for anyone who gives us the time of day.  We make sacrifices and excuses for the poor treatment we get from others.

Why we remain in unhealthy realms:

• We believe there are not many options.
• We think we are too old for love or have too many limits.
• We have kids with the person, so we remain unhappily involved.
• We can’t afford to live alone.
• They are only abusive when they drink or use drugs, which is almost every other day.
• We are afraid to be alone.
• We were told by a psychic that we were soul mates.
• They are too sick, and I feel obligated to stay.
• They are my first.
• We have been together since High School.
• They are in therapy, so I figure I will give them a chance since change takes time.
• They put up with my lousy history.
• They were in abusive relationships in the past and abandoned often.
• They were abused as kids, and they just need someone to understand them.
• I know they are good deep down inside and need to be understood.
• They really love me, even though they treat me poorly.
• They need time to feel comfortable enough to commit, even though you’ve been together for years.
• They remain married and keep you on the side; they claim they can’t leave because of the kids or due to financial obligations.
• I cheated in the past, and they forgave me. However, they are abusive because of it.

The reasons we often remain in situations that are unhealthy can fit volumes.  One of several reasons we stay is because we value others more than we value our needs and self. We expect others to be committed and treat us respectfully; in the meantime, we don’t treat ourselves with the same level of dignity.

The fact is that respect begins with us. We need to do the following:

• When you say no, mean it, and don’t coward down and say yes.
• Stop letting others emotionally blackmail you with their sad tales or reasons for being abusive.
• Keep your promises to yourself because the more you do this, the harder it is to let others break their promises to you.
• Keep your commitment to yourself; if you plan on going to the gym, go; if you plan on not spending unnecessary money, then don’t; or if you want to eat better, do it and stop flaking out on yourself.
• Stop rescuing people; if someone shares that they are broke or struggling, it’s ok to listen but don’t be so quick to often solutions that come at your expense.
• Take yourself seriously.  Stop letting the opinions of others influence how you see yourself. Your inner voice is just as significant as others.
• Practice self-forgiveness:  Learn to forgive yourself as you do for others, regardless of your mistakes.
• Avoid Comparisons:  Don’t compare yourself with others because no one is like you.  We are all unique and have our talents and gifts. 

Being true to oneself is tricky, mainly because who we are tends to reflect social norms and the influence of those close to us.  Our need to be loved gets fused into our need to win the love of others by changing ourselves into their ideal person.  On many, our need for others overshadows our need to be ourselves, which is why so many folks feel they lose their identity when they get involved.  If you want to be loved for, being you, you must be your most authentic self.

Copyright 2024, R. Castro

Recommended Reading

I added this book to help strengthen the message behind my blog. I feel strongly about being authentic with yourself and showing yourself the same compassion you show others. If you can’t love or expect yourself, how can others possibly do it for you?

Truly, Madly, Deeply Love YOU: How to Love Yourself by Improving Your Self-Esteem and Self-Confidence by Athena Harmonia

Coping with the Unavailable

Sometimes, we find ourselves attracted to someone who is not ideal for us. We fantasize about the possibilities of a relationship. We notice the qualities we like and disregard all the red flags and signs that they are not into us.  We feed ourselves romantic notions based on small encounters and gestures. We confuse friendliness for flirting, smiles for interest, and kind gestures for attraction.  In our heads, because we feel attraction, it means something. 

Even if the person finds us attractive, it does not mean that it is instant romance. Of course, we enter the realm of denial and minimize the facts in exchange for our romantic dreams.  Regardless of how many excuses you make for someone unavailable, the bottom line is that you find yourself waiting.

Let’s take a look at possible reasons you stick around other than love:

1. You are in love with their potential and overlook their current behavior.
2. You confuse flirting for romantic interest.
3. You believe that being in love with someone means you tolerate whatever you face.
4. You confuse familiar patterns with soul mate connection.
5. You have low self-esteem and think they are the only person good enough for you.
6. You invested time and hate the idea that someone else will benefit from your efforts.
7. You think if you are patient, you will be rewarded with love.
8. You believe everyone deserves a chance, and waiting for someone to overcome their obstacles is part of it.
9. You are invested in believing in the excuses because you hate to admit that the desire for romance is one-sided.
10. You buy into their lies about their relationship because you have seen how rude their partner is.  Of course, you only know their side and not the reasons behind the behaviors.
11. You feel if they get therapy, they will heal enough to be in a permanent relationship.  Of course, they avoid therapy at all costs.
12. Since they have been in a toxic relationship before knowing you, you decide to wait around until they heal.
13. You don’t want to appear pushy, so you permit yourself to linger and wait until they feel ready.
14. You believe his family, culture, or religion does not accept you, yet you remain waiting, hoping something changes.
15. You hang around because they contact you every time you decide to walk away.
16. You believe they love you but need more time to get in touch with their feelings; meantime, you have known them for a few years now.

You need to do whatever it takes to break the habit of buying into someone’s list of excuses for not being available or willing to commit to a full-time relationship. You need to learn to look at situations for what they are rather than how you wish them to be.  Here is a reality checklist to help you sort through the web of romantic fantasies.

• Stop being the entertainer– Everyone gets bored and sometimes seeks us out when they have nothing to do.
• Respect your schedule – avoid rearranging your schedule at the last minute to make yourself available.
• Stop being the instant companion –   there is a natural tendency to seek company when alone or lonely. Don’t be so quick to fill that void.
• Stop granting wishes – People will seek the one who is ready and willing to meet their needs, even if they know they have nothing in common.
• Avoid being a Sexual surrogate –. If you are not in the mood for sex, stop being so available to keep the person interested.
• Stop people-pleasing–. Giving someone everything they want does not guarantee eternal love.
• Setting boundaries – Learn to say no and respect your limits.
• Stop being low-maintenance – Expecting proper treatment does not mean you are complicated. But by appearing low maintenance, you are sending the message that anything goes.
• It’s cool to be supportive – It is nice to be generous and supportive, but never weaponize your support to obligate anyone into being available when it’s not their intention to do so.
• It’s okay to give attention – Most folks enjoy compliments and attention; remember, just because they enjoy the attention does not mean they want a relationship.

Keep in mind I am not saying to avoid romance, but I am saying. If you have been dealing with someone for a few months and they are stuck on the non-commitment cycle, do evaluate the situation.  Of course, it is not realistic to expect someone to want commitment just because you feel you are a good match.  In addition, romance may not be on their agenda if you have known each other for less than six months or if you are just friends.

Copyright 2023 R. Castro

Determining the Difference between Red Flags and Apprehension

We all want and deserve love, but it can sometimes be challenging. Many of us second guess our gut feeling when meeting someone new, and as a result, we might either get involved with someone completely wrong for us or miss out on a beautiful connection.  There is no easy or concrete method for helping us decipher the complicated behavior patterns of every person we meet.  Some individuals are masters at manipulating us into thinking they are perfect for us, and then some are just as scared and hesitate to engage with us, believing we might hurt them. 

In truth, dating can be a confusing process for many of us. As a matter of sad reality, even the individuals who manipulate us do so because they want to maintain the upper hand to avoid the potential of getting hurt and being used. In fact, behind many manipulators, you have a person who believes it is a dog-eat-dog world and only those who go after what they want to survive; of course, their victories are empty since they have to trick folks to get what they want.

Unfortunately, we often avoid potential connections because a few manipulating individuals have successfully tainted our relationship views.  As hard as dating can be, you don’t need to avoid it.  The key to dating is learning to trust your gut and developing healthy methods for connecting with others.  For starters, how can you tell when you are scared or simply picking up on the red flags? 

1. Do you feel like you are not being heard when you share?
2. Do they lose their temper over the minor things?
3. Are you afraid to say certain things because it may trigger a bad reaction or spoil the mood?
4. Do they shut down when you address uncomfortable topics?
5. Do they shift the focus when you confront inappropriate behaviors by stating you do the same thing?
6. Do they have trouble admitting they are wrong? And do they need to have the last word?
7. Do you feel like nothing ever gets resolved when addressing inappropriate behaviors?
8. Are you second-guessing your thoughts more than typical?
9. Do you get equal chances to make decisions regarding activities or going out together?
10. How often do you stay in their place or yours?
11. Do you go out of your way to impress your partner more than they do?
12. Have you met their friends or family after being together for at least one year?
13. Do you find yourself paying for dinner or events more than usual just because you tend to forget to bring enough money?
14. Are you spending too much on beauty products or clothes, just looking a certain way since you fear they may not like your natural style?
15. Do you hide your honest thoughts and beliefs out of fear of rejection?
16. Do they tease your appearance often?
17. Are you people-pleasing more than usual to maintain approval?
18. Do you avoid your friends or family because your partner dislikes them?
19. Do you ever go out together, or do they prefer to hang out at home?
20. Are they constantly on social media when you are out together?
21. Do they expect you to clean their place?
22. When you entertain your friends at home, do they let you tackle all the chores and food while they enjoy themselves with the guests?
23. Do they habitually stay out past 2 a.m. with their friends?
24. Do they vanish for hours without any contact for days on end?
25. Do they have a best or special friend that you don’t hang out with?
26. Do they keep their past a secret?

Now, I realize the list is only the tip of the iceberg for some; however, the more you have on your list of concerns, the more you need to acknowledge the red flags. Apprehension is often based on past experiences with others that get triggered by some behavior.  However, red flags highlight patterns indicating something is off, even if you don’t have concrete evidence.

Remember that red flags appear early and become even more pronounced after being with someone for 90 days to 6 months.  Pay attention, and don’t let the façade of the honeymoon period fool you into thinking things will get better.  Once your heart is investing, it will be harder to listen to your gut.

Copyright 2023 R. Castro

Dating Someone with PTSD

It is not easy to date someone with PTSD. Though we may be very loving and compassionate, there will be periods when a person’s PTSD issues can flare up, making you question your relationship status. Of course, you don’t want to leave someone because they have PTSD, but you must know how to manage it; otherwise, the stress can create resentment and a severe wedge in the relationship.  The person with PTSD may not be aware of their patterns or how to manage them.  At times, an individual struggling with PTSD may be utterly unaware of how their trauma spills into their current relationship.

Now, I want you to understand that I do not recommend you become a therapist for your partner.  Even if you were a professional therapist, I do not recommend trying to analyze your partner’s trauma because it is not your place to do so.  This blog aims to help you develop tools that will allow you to recognize some of your partner’s traumatic patterns in a compassionate yet lovingly detached manner.  Here are some things to help you through the process:

• Though your words and actions may have triggered a memory, you did not create the trauma.
• Learn to listen without repairing or offering unsolicited advice since sometimes a person needs to vent.
• If your partner’s trauma triggers your history of trauma, seek outside help because you do not need to compare battle scars.
• Remember that your coping skills and healing journey are different, even if you went through similar situations.
• It’s okay to ask that you need them to tell you how to be supportive.  
• Avoid using therapeutic catchphrases if possible; even if you are a therapist, remember they are not your client.
• Conversations around trauma tend to be ongoing and will not simply stop because they told you once, which can be stressful to hear, so make sure you have your support system in place.
• There are no quick remedies for healing from PTSD, so be prepared to experience several episodes of triggered-induced behavior patterns.
• Many folks with PTSD self-soothe and often engage in self-sabotaging behaviors, such as overindulgence in substances, food, shopping, gambling, and negative self-talk.
• It is okay to maintain healthy boundaries because some folks may weaponize their trauma to feel secure within relationships.
• Some individuals have learned to function as victims of their past and may not often realize they are doing this, so be mindful and do not allow yourself to feel responsible for fixing the wrongs others did in your partner’s past.
• Learn to recognize when you are being blamed for abusive patterns committed by someone else.
•  Do know your limits when being with someone who struggles with PTSD.  You may not be able to handle the stress, so avoid pretending you can manage it all. Of course, you do not need to give up the relationship, but you will need your own support system to help you cope.

If you become overwhelmed, you can become resentful and easily irritated by your partner‘s inability to work through their issues.  You must maintain a healthy way of coping and make sure you take time to rest, recharge, and revive yourself; otherwise, you will feel like you are drowning. Remember that you are not the cause of their PTSD and should not be held responsible for repairing them.  Regardless of how much you love someone, you do not allow them to scapegoat you for the pain caused by people in their past.

Copyright 2023, R. Castro

Coping with relationship abuse

It’s difficult to understand why many of us endure unhealthy relationships. The idea that a person we love can make us feel devastated and unwanted by a few words is often confusing. Individuals remain in relationships that are toxic for several obvious and not-so-obvious reasons. For starters, many folks have grown up with poor relationship role models. And also, many individuals have low self-esteem and no real sense of worth.

Things need to change regardless of why an individual remains stuck in an imbalanced and abusive relationship. The trouble is that leaving an abusive person might not be immediately doable or the most practical thing to do. When a victim has been successfully kept isolated from their support systems, such as family, friends, or even resources, it becomes difficult to exit.

If you or someone you know is in the midst of an abusive relationship and have limited access to resources or struggle until things are just right to leave, here is a list of things to help you cope in the meantime:

1. Regardless of what anyone says, you are not crazy about making your decisions; only you know what you can endure or not endure.
2. You will hear many opinions about what you should or should not do.
3. Look online in the library for the nearest shelter or family center as a potential safe exit plan.
4. Realize that calm times do not mean things are fixed; only real resolutions make permanent changes.
5. You are not to blame for your partner’s behavior. Their tendency to lose their temper or get physical does not justify abusive behaviors.
6. There is no need to make excuses for someone’s behaviors; the less you excuse them, the sooner they have to deal with their own conscience.
7. Update your resume for online work that will allow you to stay home and have the opinion of living anywhere. There are sites for virtual assistants, writers, artists, medical billing, teaching, language tutors, DIY instructors, therapists, etc.
8. If you do not have a bank account, you can open an account with a state ID card, license, or passport, which you can scan and submit online.
9. You can join online support groups and even get online therapy if you need support.
10. Make a concrete plan of action.
11. Seek online therapy or counseling. The good news is that you can obtain help without traveling from your home.
    

Keep in mind that though the solutions are offered, it does not mean that each one is applicable or easy to do. The idea of the blog is to give you suggestions to cope and find a solution that works for your situation and your current abilities. In the meantime, know you are not alone; below are some valuable resources.

Copyright© 2023 R. Castro

Resources

The National Domestic Violent Hotline:
https://www.thehotline.org/resources/

Getting Help with Domestic Violence:
https://www.acf.hhs.gov/fysb/resource/help-fv

Resources for Domestic Violence by States:
https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/get-help/state-resources

Domestic Violence Victim Resources:
https://family.findlaw.com/domestic-violence/domestic-violence-victim-resources.html

Creating Boundaries

Respect for our boundaries does not happen automatically, mainly because everyone has completely different ideas of what it means to have limits. Even within our circle of friends and families, our boundaries will differ. Our boundaries are not always evident to others, which means most folks treat us according to what they perceive as normal.

If you are confused about proper boundaries, understand you are not alone. Not everyone realizes what boundaries mean nor how to get others to respect them. Many folks do not necessarily think about boundaries nor completely comprehend how to set them.

There are many assumptions concerning boundaries, and many assume they only imply restrictions and limitations.  However, boundaries are about setting parameters that tell others what personal rules of engagement are.  In other words, our boundaries are about the behaviors we will or will not tolerate regarding how we get treated. In summary, our limits.

Since boundaries defer from person to person, it is helpful to review what some may consider personal limits. To help you determine what boundaries consist of, here is a list to help you identify specific limitations:

1. Physical space – Not everyone enjoys physical contact. Keep in mind whether we understand it or not, it is not our job to attempt to change someone who dislikes being touched.
2. Alone time – Regardless of whether a person is an introvert or an extrovert, everyone needs quiet time alone.  Spending time alone is valuable for restoring sanity and reducing stress. It’s important to understand that time alone does not mean you are being selfish; it simply means you need restorative time to replenish.
3. Privacy – We all have the right to some privacy, which means we are not required to share every single thought with everyone.  The reasons for needing privacy will vary from individual to individual. The need for confidentiality has little to do with keeping secrets and more with personal space and being comfortable exposing vulnerable topics. Insecure partners will try to force us to share daily, typically to assure themselves.
4. Your possessions – We have a right not to want to share our things. Our things are ours, and it should be our choice to use them as we please; Of course, this is a big issue with roommates and family who lack boundaries.
5. Avoiding Social gatherings – You do not need to explain why you are not sociable.  You may want to review your reasons if you find yourself making stories up to get out of social activities. We are not always in the mood to get dressed and go out to be sociable. Of course, you cancel, but make sure to let people who are waiting for you know. Having boundaries does not mean we have to be rude.
6. Personal disclosure – Disclosing details of your past or personal views should be shared when you feel ready and not a moment sooner unless you are in therapy. Of course, if you are not single, you owe the other person the option of bailing out before getting too attached.
7. Sexual boundaries –Your body is yours, and no one has the right to use manipulation to obligate you to have sex. 
8. Abusive treatment– if you feel threatened or uncomfortable by how someone engages with you, it is your right to address it. Keep in mind not everyone has the same threshold or tolerance for certain forms of treatment, which is why you need to address what makes “you” feel uncomfortable.
9. Unexpected visits– Some individuals love drop-in visitors, but not everyone has an open-door policy.  If you dislike unexpected visitors, you need to address it the moment it happens.  If you are unsure how to handle this, here’s a tidbit: “As much as I love company, please let me know ahead of time next time so I can make us something nice to eat or free up my schedule.”
10. Sleepover guests– We all have friends that love to linger when they visit and, as a result, might need to stay the night.  If an overnight guest has the habit of staying late on a work night, you need to address this issue immediately; otherwise, they will always assume you are ok with them staying the night. Here’s how to handle it, “It’s nice you are here to visit me, but I need to be in bed early since I have an early morning; this means you have a choice, you either need to leave by a certain time or be ok staying up on your own.”
11. Party home– Your place is comfortable and so inviting that some of our friends love having parties in your home. Of course, if you don’t mind, there is no need to address this issue.  However, if you do not enjoy having your place trashed and used as a party den, you absolutely need to address this issue before something goes completely wrong.
12. Unwarranted teasing – teasing can cross the boundaries of friendly banter into hurtful and abusive insults.  If historically you have dealt with childhood bullying and you may or may not have fully recovered from those incidents, which can make you vulnerable to anything that feels similar. You have the right to speak up and address the issue regardless of their defensive reactions to your comment.
13. Inappropriate language – Each individual has a personal lexicon of what they consider derogatory and offensive language. Other people are not pervy to our hotlist of offensive terminologies unless we inform them. Remember that what is currently appropriate today can become tomorrow’s ugly terms.
14. Constantly borrowing money – Avoid lending money, especially to individuals with poor spending habits, because they seldom can pay it back. Once you start lending money to someone with poor money habits, you instantly become their ATM.

If you struggle to keep boundaries, you may need to dive deeper into this pattern. Boundaries are our business to manage; others may not respect them if we don’t respect them ourselves.  Once you set boundaries, you cannot amend them to suit the needs of others; otherwise, you will constantly be breaching your own rules.

Remember, boundaries allow you to get treated the way you want to be treated; without them, anything goes.

Copyright © 2023 R. Castro