Breaking up is not an easy emotional process. There are many layers of emotions you encounter before you finally feel whole and able to move on with your life as a single person.
Breaking up is difficult for many of us because we placed a lot of expectations on a relationship that we assumed would last a lifetime.
A breakup represents many different things to each of us. It can represent abandonment failure, unworthiness or simply bad luck in love. The feelings one experiences with a break-up on many levels feel the same as losing someone to death, except that in this case the person is alive, and they may never be an active part of our lives again. The simple idea that the person that once loved us may never talk to us, can be devastating.
When we break up, we face different stages which consist of the following:
Denial – we cannot accept the fact that the relationship is in trouble and has the potential of ending. We try to continue being around the person as if nothing is wrong in the relationship. We try to normalize things and carry on without giving much thought to the issues at hand. We know deep down something is off but refuse to acknowledge the truth and basically tell ourselves its either our imagination or we are being too sensitive.
Negotiation– we enter a period of trying to save the relationship, maybe we purpose couples counseling to help change the person’s mind. We try to rekindle the relationship and revive the passion. Sometimes the efforts pay off, but sometimes things do get worse. This stage is critical and delicate since the future of the relationship is truly at stake. This is the stage when we try to improve or fix things in order to maintain the relationship status.
Anger – at this stage we become angry and frustrated because we start to feel like we have wasted a good part of our lives with someone who doesn’t care. We become resentful and hurt at the person’s lack of cooperation or desire to work on the relationship. We blame them for the failures of the relationship and view them as stubborn. There is a lot of blaming and feelings of frustrations at this point since we feel like we have wasted time and energy. This period can be considered externalized blaming since we look for outside reasons things did not work out. We may blame our partners or other people who intervened.
Depression – we were to feel lost and hurt that the other person no longer wants to remain in the relationship. We start to blame ourselves for the failures in the relationship and our ability to maintain a loving relationship. We feel worthless and sad because we assume, we are broken. This period is hard because we do a lot of internalized blaming and basically beat ourselves for failing to keep the relationship going. This stage can last a long time and usually can block a person from taking any more risks when it comes to dating or being involved.
Acceptance– Finally we have arrived at a place where we can allow ourselves to recognize that relationship sometimes end, and it happens to everyone at some point or another. At this stage you allow yourself to accept the end and may even forgive the person for not remaining in the relationship. Though you accept the fact things ended, there may be some left-over feelings of resentment or hurt. There may be times where you feel angry and think about how you wasted time in a loveless relationship, or you may find yourself wishing you knew how to engage better.
The truth is, there are some relationships we may never completely get over, which is why at times folks go back to old flames or ex-partners. In essence, though you accept the ending, you may still wish you may have worked through things better or had avoided the person altogether.
The acceptance stage is one that will allow you to begin to make peace and let go with love. Regardless of how you may have ended a relationship, acceptance is the beginning of healing. I emphasize beginning because we do go through periods of emotional flashbacks that may bring on sadness or anger whenever a specific memory is triggered. In truth, you know you are completely done, when you can recall something from your past and have no emotional reaction. And yes, it will take work as well as time.
Copyright © 2020 R.Castro
Holistic Coaching 