Stages of Breaking-up

Breaking up is not an easy emotional process. There are many layers of emotions you encounter before you finally feel whole and able to move on with your life as a single person.

Breaking up is difficult for many of us because we placed a lot of expectations on a relationship that we assumed would last a lifetime.

A breakup represents many different things to each of us. It can represent abandonment failure, unworthiness or simply bad luck in love. The feelings one experiences with a break-up on many levels feel the same as losing someone to death, except that in this case the person is alive, and they may never be an active part of our lives again.  The simple idea that the person that once loved us may never talk to us, can be devastating.

When we break up, we face different stages which consist of the following:

Denial – we cannot accept the fact that the relationship is in trouble and has the potential of ending. We try to continue being around the person as if nothing is wrong in the relationship. We try to normalize things and carry on without giving much thought to the issues at hand. We know deep down something is off but refuse to acknowledge the truth and basically tell ourselves its either our imagination or we are being too sensitive.

Negotiation– we enter a period of trying to save the relationship, maybe we purpose couples counseling to help change the person’s mind. We try to rekindle the relationship and revive the passion. Sometimes the efforts pay off, but sometimes things do get worse. This stage is critical and delicate since the future of the relationship is truly at stake. This is the stage when we try to improve or fix things in order to maintain the relationship status.

Anger – at this stage we become angry and frustrated because we start to feel like we have wasted a good part of our lives with someone who doesn’t care. We become resentful and hurt at the person’s lack of cooperation or desire to work on the relationship. We blame them for the failures of the relationship and view them as stubborn. There is a lot of blaming and feelings of frustrations at this point since we feel like we have wasted time and energy. This period can be considered externalized blaming since we look for outside reasons things did not work out. We may blame our partners or other people who intervened.

Depression – we were to feel lost and hurt that the other person no longer wants to remain in the relationship. We start to blame ourselves for the failures in the relationship and our ability to maintain a loving relationship. We feel worthless and sad because we assume, we are broken. This period is hard because we do a lot of internalized blaming and basically beat ourselves for failing to keep the relationship going. This stage can last a long time and usually can block a person from taking any more risks when it comes to dating or being involved.

Acceptance– Finally we have arrived at a place where we can allow ourselves to recognize that relationship sometimes end, and it happens to everyone at some point or another. At this stage you allow yourself to accept the end and may even forgive the person for not remaining in the relationship. Though you accept the fact things ended, there may be some left-over feelings of resentment or hurt. There may be times where you feel angry and think about how you wasted time in a loveless relationship, or you may find yourself wishing you knew how to engage better.

The truth is, there are some relationships we may never completely get over, which is why at times folks go back to old flames or ex-partners. In essence, though you accept the ending, you may still wish you may have worked through things better or had avoided the person altogether.

The acceptance stage is one that will allow you to begin to make peace and let go with love.  Regardless of how you may have ended a relationship, acceptance is the beginning of healing. I emphasize beginning because we do go through periods of emotional flashbacks that may bring on sadness or anger whenever a specific memory is triggered.  In truth, you know you are completely done, when you can recall something from your past and have no emotional reaction.  And yes, it will take work as well as time.

Copyright © 2020 R.Castro

Surviving Painful Breakups

We all dislike the process of breaking up.  For some of us breaking up feels like someone punched us in the gut and left us for dead, while for others it seems less devastating. Our abilities to cope after a breakup has a lot to do with our attitudes about relationships and what they represent.  Some of us have really firm beliefs when it comes to relationships and because of those beliefs we often struggle to recover from a breakup.

To help you on the path of recovering from a breakup, it is vital to understand that many things do end, even if we do our best to hold on.  A breakup is not about us being flawed or worthless, but in reality, about two individuals no longer aligned with the same relationship goals. Of course, how a relationship ends can contribute to the complexities of healing and cannot be ignored nor diminished insignificance.

There are some breakups that are truly hard to get over and leave us completely scarred for years to come. The reason some breakups devastate us has a lot to do with the way things ended and the reasons.  Of course, all breakups have some painful residue, but some linger beyond the normal stages, for instance, the following are examples of devastating breakups:

• Your ex told you they did not love you
• They left without telling you anything
• The entered a new relationship while you were together
• They stole from you and left you in financial ruin
• You had to escape because you were being physically and/or mentally abused
• When you left ruined your reputation by spreading lies about you to your friends or family as well as work
• During the divorce process, they took total custody of your kids using lies as well as ruined you financially
• You found out they slept with your best friend or sibling

The list can be exhaustive; however, the bottom line is that painful breakups occur for a variety of reasons. Regardless of what contributed to your broken heart, you need to heal and need to take back your life.  Here are some basic, and I say basic because healing is never an easy or fast process. Here go some practical healing techniques to help you move forward:

• You really need to stop thinking you are not good enough.
• Engage in short-term therapy to work through grief, confidence and low esteem
• Keep a healing journal to allow you to express yourself via writing, poetry, photos, art or anything creative that promotes healing
• Do a 30-day gratitude challenge, to help you focus on what is working rather than what is broken
• Do a lifestyle make-over to help you reset your patterns
• Practice narrative self-talk, to help you reset your thinking
• Create goals that allow you to nurture concrete changes
• It’s ok to grieve, as well as have a good cry. as long as you are not stuck for eternity.
• Write a farewell letter that you burn afterward
• Do a forgiveness visualization, to help you let go of the pain caused by others
• It is essential to practice self-compassion, simply because it allows you to stop beating yourself

As much as breakups are painful, we do have a chance to begin over, once we allow ourselves to heal. Though in truth, healing work does not erase past events, it does reduce the impact of the painful scars and allows you to move forward and live your life with more fullness.

Copyright © 2020 R. Castro

References

Narrative therapy

Four Narrative therapy techniques that can change your perception of self

 

 

 

 

Healing from a Break-up

Breaking up is a devastating process for many. Whether we leave a person, or they leave us, the emotions related to breaking up can range from anger to devastation. I find it’s easier to cope when you are angry cause it allows you to cope without self-blame. Of course, I am not saying being angry is smooth and uncomplicated, but I am saying it is less emotionally depleting than feeling the grief associated with feeling abandoned and unwanted.

The reason many of us struggle in getting over a break-up is that it leaves us feeling unworthy, undesirable and like a failure. We enter a period of grief following a break-up that can last anywhere from days to years.  Depending on how well you cope and health, the grieving period can linger longer than we care to experience. One of the reasons grieving linger, it’s that we struggle to let go.

In order to help you survive the grief associated with breaking up here are a few things to do:

1. Remember one person alone cannot make a relationship work, it takes two
2. Allow yourself to live in the moment rather than trying to repair past mistakes.
3. Most individuals leave relationships for various reasons that go beyond the relationship itself
4. Just because someone breaks up with us, it does not mean we are broken, or unworthy of love
5. Regardless of how well-behaved we are, people leave for various that have nothing to do with our worth
6. Practice extreme self-care and focus on doing things that bring you joy
7. Get into a workout routine, join a gym or yoga club. Physical activities increase dopamine production which helps reduce the cycles of depression that are triggered by break-ups
8. Dance to your favorite tunes, either in the privacy of your home or out with your friends. Dopamine increases naturally when we are physically active
9. Make a list of the things you like about yourself
10. Use this time to reinvent yourself
11. Go out with friends and do something you seldom do by yourself
12. Keep a journal of thoughts, feelings and how you are doing
13. Seek emotional support from friends and family
14. Also, seek professional services such as individual or group therapy to help you through the emotional roadblocks and negative self-talk
15. Practice daily meditations and positive affirmations, at least 5 minutes a day
16. Engage in release exercises, such as letter writing or visualization techniques

Healing from a breakup takes time and it will not be an instant process. The key to helping you heal is going to involve self-compassion and radical self-care.  Be mindful and aware that you are not broken and that though the relationship did not work, it does not mean you will never love again.  Love is an action and the heart is always able to love more than once.

Copyright ©2019 R. Castro