The Disconnected Romantic Connection

Sometimes, some of you fall head over heels for someone who seems to like you but is not fully engaged in the romantic union you desire and deserve. You wait patiently for your beloved to become available if they claim they are not ready to get involved or make excuses for their lack of skills to connect romantically.  You tell yourself they had a hard childhood, have been hurt, or are still involved in an unhappy relationship. The excuses you make for the lack of readiness of the person you desire are long and can fill chapters in a romance novel. And then you spend hundreds of dollars getting psychic advice on coping while waiting for them to love you.

You often wonder what keeps you engaged with someone who gives you bits and pieces of themselves and does not fully commit. You hang in there because they are friendly and kind, or on the few occasions you get together, they make you laugh and feel wanted.  You tell yourself to move on and avoid contact, but then, out of nowhere, you hear from them, and the hope of romance blossoms like a thirsty plant being revived with a few drops of water. Then, as you start feeling hopeful, the connection fades back to some unenthusiastic chat.  You begin to wonder and then obsess about what you did wrong to discourage the person from forming a permanent romantic allegiance.   The fact is they often connect with you for the following reasons:

• Ego strokes – They like your attention because it makes them feel important.
• Get their needs met – They know you won’t refuse them because you are into them.
• Boredom – you are eager to talk and do your best to entertain them.
• Lonely – It is almost guaranteed that you will do whatever it takes to fill their loneliness gap, at least for the moment.
• Instant gratification – since you like them, you will do whatever it takes to please them.
• Opportunity – you are available whenever they contact you, so you are an easy option.
• Needs fulfilled – You are eager to please and often will do almost anything to win them over, even if they don’t do the same for you.
• You have no boundaries – since you want them so badly, you tolerate almost anything they do, including being married, having children, or even having no desire for a commitment.
• Low-maintenance – You are easygoing and make few demands since you fear they will never commit.
• Make excuses – You have a list of logical reasons for their lack of commitment, and tell yourself that when they are ready, they will see your worth.

Few folks on the planet have not encountered relationship disappointments. At some point or another, we all have experienced disappointment in a love connection. Either we were attracted, or they were attracted to us, but the relationship never grew into a full romance. Even some relationships that end with marriage do not last or become the ideal situation we hoped for.  The reasons romantic sparks do not solidify into a permanent relationship vary from person to person.  The key is not to blame yourself or feel like you did something to “turn” off the person because, chances are, they were never on the same romantic wave as you to begin with.

Copyright 2023 R. Castro

Are You afraid to be Single?

Many of us have been raised to think that our lives are incomplete if we are single. Relationships have been a sensitive place for many, especially those unable to maintain a long-term happy one. Though you may face social and family pressures to have a relationship, it is super important that you do what works for you, especially in love and career. Our need to adhere to social norms often overrides our abilities and true desires. This means we often do things to appease others for our happiness. 

The other issue besides social pressure is the inner fear of being alone. We have allowed ourselves to believe that we are inadequate and less than ideal and, as a result, often remain in loveless or unbalanced relationships.  Now understand I am not against relationships or advocating one lifestyle over another. I am simply addressing our motives for being involved with individuals that mistreat us or are not aligned with our grand purpose.

In truth, it is often best to be alone than in miserable company. Before kicking your partner to the curb or enrolling in a dating app, ask yourself why you want a partner. It is essential to ask yourself the real reasons for wanting a partner.  Here are a few self-exploratory questions to consider before entering or even existing in a relationship:

• Why do you want a relationship? Seriously, why?  Is it because everyone you know is involved?
• Do you prefer others over your own company?
• Are you afraid of living alone because it’s too expensive?
• Do you believe no one else will accept you if you leave your current relationship?
• Are you afraid of dying alone?
• Do you feel guilty leaving your sick or out-of-work partner?
• Are you too sick to care for yourself and need your partner to care for you?
• Do you depend on your partner to help you around your home?
• Do you get bored quickly when you are alone?
• Have you ever been single, without a partner?
• When you think of being single, what is the first thing that comes to mind?

I will be honest; I am not suggesting you leave perfectly healthy relationships or kick your family or roommate out to experiment with living alone.  I am addressing those individuals who feel stuck and frustrated but are too afraid to make any moves.  However, before completely being alone, I recommend baby steps, which involve doing little things yourself. Here’s a list of things to do alone:

• Take yourself out to dinner. It may seem odd to some, but plan a nice dinner alone.
• Go to a movie or concert alone.
• Visit an art exhibit or museum by yourself.
• Play tourist in your hometown.
• Spend an afternoon reading a book in a café shop.
• Rent a bike and ride around exploring your town.
• Go hiking and enjoy nature.
• Get a pedicure or manicure.
• Book yourself a massage.
• Get your hair done and experiment with color.
• Depending on where you live, take a day trip to another county, city, or state.

I know some of you may already be doing some of the suggested items; however, this may be a good exercise for those struggling to do things alone.  The idea behind these activities is to allow you to feel good being in your own company.  This does not mean you should not have friends, but it is about learning to do things alone without feeling uncomfortable or odd.

Copyright 2023. R. Castro

How Low Self-esteem Impacts Us

Our ability to feel good about ourselves strongly is impacted by how we see ourselves. Generally, feeling good means we will enjoy ourselves without having self-deprecating thoughts. When our self-esteem is intact, we treat ourselves well and seldom doubt whether we are worthy of love.

Low self-esteem propels us to engage in behaviors that perpetuate cycles that reinforce our negative beliefs and views of ourselves. Sadly when we struggle with low self-esteem, we lose our capacity to connect with others since we don’t see our worth and often believe others feel the same. Here are a few examples of how we conduct our lives when we have low self-esteem:

How it impacts us:

• Negates our value to others – we believe no one will miss us if we cease to exist
• Self-critical – we focus on our flaws and failures and downplay our worth
• We select unhealthy partnerships since we assume we cannot attract better connections
• Remain in harmful relationships – We believe that the current relationship is the only one for us since we are unworthy of anything better
• Risky sexual patterns– We engage in impulsive sexual behaviors driven by the unconscious need to feel wanted and special
• Reduced Sex drive – We often feel unattractive and undesirable, negatively impacting our libido
• We neglect ourselves – We stop taking care ofour appearance and take on the attitude of why bother since nothing good will happen
• We give up on goals – We stop believing we are capable of achieving anything
• Believe we are unworthy – when we think we are unworthy, it leads to avoidance of enjoying good things or taking advantage of opportunities that come along
• We participate in negative self-talk – we feed ourselves negative beliefs that keep us stuck and unable to improve our situation
• Low self-esteem amplifies depression – Our self-esteem makes us feel unworthy and leads to depression that disengages us from our lives and others.
• Impacts our relationship –Our self-esteem fuels our beliefs of being unattractive and unworthy of love, which confuses our partners, making them think they did something wrong or there is wrong with them that they failed to make you happy.

To compensate for having low self-esteem, we often engage in unhealthy coping patterns that increase dopamine production in our brain, giving us temporary relief.

 Some of the temporary coping methods we use are the following:

• Over-eat – We eat junk food, specifically sweets, since they increase our energy levels, which triggers dopamine
• Self-medicate – We may drink more alcohol, use illicit drugs or overconsume prescription drugs to numb ourselves
• Over-shop – We seek comfort in retail therapy by buying things we may not need but give us temporary pleasure
• Withdraw – We retrieve from situations since we do not feel we are capable of achieving much
• Isolate – We avoid people to hide our flaws or avoid talking about uncomfortable situations

Just because we are feeling poorly does not mean we have to remain in emotional limbo. We can break the patterns that got us into a loop of self-abasing practices. However, you have to begin to take action and truly stop endorsing negative self-talk

Healthy ways to cope:

• Track your emotional cycles and patterns by keeping a journal
• Seek Mindful Therapy or Cognitive Behavioral therapy
• Use self-hypnosis to release negative thoughts and patterns
• Practice visualization techniques to help you envision a healthier lifestyle
• Surround yourself with uplifting people
• Learn to use positive self-talk using mantras
• Take time to practice self-compassion
• Start doing fun things such as taking a walk by a beautiful park, taking pictures of things you find interesting, learning something new
• Pamper yourself. Trim or dye your hair, anything just to refreshen your look. (no extreme make-overs)
• Let others help you; you will be surprised by how supportive others can be.

It can take time to rebuild yourself and break free from negative self-talk. However, every step you take will improve your life. Just be patient and kind to yourself.

Copyright ©2023 R. Castro

Resources

Self-love meditation:
https://youtu.be/cFeCUfw657g

Developing Confidence

The key to confidence is not about blasting your ego with the thoughts that you are better than others; no, it’s about being comfortable with who you are.  Confidence is about knowing your worth and not hiding your true self.  In gaining confidence, you lose the fear of being your authentic self.

Too many of us learned that we were not enough or couldn’t be more than who we are. Our spirit was crushed to the point many of us have not recovered and continue to hold on to the idea that we lack something essential in our being that makes us believe we are unworthy of opportunities or a decent life. The belief that we are not adequate destroys our chances of seeking more in our lives, so we settle. Though we have become masters at settling and have even convinced ourselves it’s ok, we even lack the courage to admit that we are not completely happy.

Courage is not about being fearless or without doubts or never making mistakes.  It is about being able to take action despite our feelings or thoughts.  Though many of us have become comfortable in our lack of courage, our desires to have a better life do not disappear.  On many levels, obtaining a better life depends on our ability to get the courage to move forward. 

Here are some reasons to work on your courage:

• Leave abuse relationships – Many individuals are afraid of leaving abusive relationships because they lack the courage to face life independently. Many folks in abusive relationships have been gaslighted so often; eventually, they forget to have any survival skills.
• Quit unhealthy work environments – Many folks endure horrible work conditions because they fear they will not find anything better. The fact is, if one never tries, they will remain stuck.
• Ask for the things we need – We learn to think that we are unworthy and don’t deserve better things, so we hesitate to ask for what we want. Learn to ask for what you need, even if the answer is no. Sadly, if we don’t ask, the answer is definitely “no” because people don’t read minds.
• Speak your mind – it is ok to share your views, especially if there is a situation where you are being poorly treated.
• Activate our dreams – Fear locks us away from opportunities and accessing our potential
• Finish what you started – it’s time to restart projects you suspended, whether it’s completing a degree or finishing your novel.
• Asking questions – It’s ok to question those in authority, especially if you are confused or unsure about something.
• Stop looking for validation – it’s okay to trust your views on things and stop double-checking with others.  Accept your opinion as being just as important as anyone else.
• Breakaway from toxic relationships– Regardless of how long you know someone, break away if they treat you poorly.  Initially, you will miss your friend, relative, or partner; however, you won’t miss how badly they treated you.
• Ask someone you like for a coffee – Take the chance to ask someone out for coffee if you want to get to know them.  Hanging out for coffee and a conversation is an excellent way to get to know someone you like.  Just remember, it’s just coffee.
• Make changes – If you have been stuck, face your hesitations and self-judgments to move forward.
• Live life drug and alcohol-free – it does take courage to get sober because you will have to face life on life’s terms. Of course, don’t go at it alone; go to a meeting, a program, or ask someone in recovery for assistance. It will be scary, and chances are you may be super tempted.

Courage will not change your life overnight, nor will it always give you the results you want. However, courage will put you on the track of your choice and allow you to move forward in obtaining your dreams and goals. Having courage is not the absence of fear but being able to move forward without letting fear dominate your life.


Copyright © 2022.  R. Castro

Boundaries 101

Healthy and harmonious relationships do not occur on their own. Yes, we might have happy and fulfilling relationships we like; however, we still have to work to maintain balance.  For starters, how we get treated has a lot to do with our ability to create limits that let others know what is ok or not ok when it comes to relationships.  We cannot assume others are automatically on the same page as us just because we get along and have fun whenever we are together.

To understand the necessity of boundaries, let us explore what they are. For starters, boundaries are about keeping a healthy balance between how people treat us and how our roles interact.  Our boundaries allow others to understand what we will or will not endure.  Remember that you can set or modify your boundaries as you see fit, regardless of what others tell you.

Here is a basic list of boundaries to help you get started:

1. Alone time – You can decide when to have company or spend time alone
2. How much to share– there is a time and place when you wish to share, and folks simply need to respect that. You have a right to privacy.
3. Over-Sharing– telling you things that make you uncomfortable and put you on the spot
4. Socializing– You are not obligated to socialize.
5. Disclosure – You decide when and how much to share about yourself.
6. Sexual engagement – It’s your body, and you determine when and how often to have sexual activities
7. Abusive treatment – You do not need to tolerate inappropriate behavior regardless of the persons’ history or emotional status.  If a person is being offensive or vicious, “Calmly and firmly” let them know you won’t engage with them until they are calm.  I know it’s scary, but if you don’t handle it the moment it happens, it will set a pattern. If you are in danger, walk away. If it gets worse, call the police.
8. Yelling – They are shouting or being overtly reactive– There is a strong possibility they are just venting; however, they refuse to talk to them until they calm down.
9. Some folks like to borrow money and forget to pay it back – STOP lending them money. You ARE NOT AN ATM.
10. Drop-in visits– Showing up without calling when we told them to call first – ask them to come back
11. Excessive teasing – Inappropriate teasing that makes you feel uncomfortable is not ok. You need to let people know what is ok and what is not ok. Though teasing may be friendly, not everyone knows what triggers us, so we must let them know.
12. Excessive calling or texting — A person who needs you to call them immediately is needy, and an energy vampire stop picking up the phone or texting back.
13. Calling during work – You do not have to take calls at work. If possible, do not give anyone your work information unless they are your spouse or child, and even then, they should only call for emergencies
14. Sharing your secrets with others – it is never ok to share your personal information without your consent
15. Unsolicited advice- Some folks like to play armchair therapists or superheroes, so they often offer advice without listening or understanding your pain
16. Posting your status on social media – you can do one of two things when this is done; Send them an email to remove the material, and if they ignore you, post on their page that they don’t have your permission to post personal things. Yes, because they embarrassed you, and you have the right to address the situation.
17. PDA behavior – (Public displays of Affection) – If you are a private person, you have a right not to embarrass yourself by doing things in public you dislike doing.
18. Arguing in public – There is a time and place for everything and picking a fight with you in the street is not the place. Walk away and don’t even bother to talk to anyone picking a fight.
19. Borrowing your stuff without asking – Helping themselves to your things – put a lock on your door or closet

No matter how much you talk about your boundaries, there will always be a person trying to push your limits.  It can be tricky to reinforce your boundaries with people you know than with total strangers. We struggle to set limits with family or partners because we often seek their approval or try to avoid disharmony.  However, understand you are not causing problems by standing up for yourself; they are the ones creating the problems by disrespecting you. 

I know it may be scary at times to set boundaries, mainly because we fear losing the person or destroying our chances to get closer. Our boundaries are not fences to be used for keeping others out but rather guidelines in how we wish to be treated.

Copyright © 2022 R. Castro

Negative Love Cycles

You find yourself repeat the same never-ending love cycles.

First, the cycle begins with you by meeting a potential partner and finding yourself thinking at all hours about them. One minute you think of them and then the phone rings or you get a text, which immediately makes you feel psychically connected. You experience so much pleasure and joy simply talking and sharing details of your life.

Find yourself beginning to think that you found your life mate mostly because you are having such a great time discovering new things about each other.  You feel amazing and happy because finally, someone is giving you the attention you need.

You begin to feel alive and hopeful about connecting to another person and all you can think of is that you meet your soul mate. Then, you begin to imagine a life together and growing old.  Life feels wonderful and you truly feely complete.  Suddenly things shift, and the amazing person begins to morph into some cold and detached being you can no longer recognize. Now, you find yourself in a relationship that mimics old patterns that leave you feeling unhappy.

We tend to repeat patterns and behaviors, whether we are conscious of them or not.  Some of the keys to avoiding old patterns consist of the following examples:

1. Pace yourself, because it will allow you to get to know the individual better
2. Ask questions and never assume you have the person figured out
3. Recognize the difference between love and excitement that comes from meeting new people
4. Avoid confusing love for lust
5. Keep in mind that being treated with respect and kindness does not mean the person is in love.
6. Just because a person is nice to you, does not mean they are marriage material
7. Remember, not everyone people falls in love overnight, be patient
8. Having a strong connection is great, there is more to a solid relationship than sparks
9. Most relationships after the honeymoon stage can become less passionate, but the love is still there
10. Handle things as soon as possible to avoid resentments in the future
11. When you recognize certain patterns, do not ignore them
12. Avoid unrealistic compromising for fear of losing a potential connection
13. Respect boundaries, which includes yours as well as theirs
14.  Fighting is not the end of a relationship, but an opportunity to address core issues.

I know dating can be complicated and at times simply frustrating. However, if you allow yourself to take your time and get to know people, you can avoid repeating certain types of relationship patterns. The fear of being alone and never finding love drives us to remain in relationships or connect with individuals that are not ready or simply do not belong with us. The key to avoiding unhealthy relationships is to learn to break your negative dating patterns, so you can free yourself to engage in a harmonious union.

Copyright© 2020 R. Castro