How Low Self-esteem Impacts Us

Our ability to feel good about ourselves strongly is impacted by how we see ourselves. Generally, feeling good means we will enjoy ourselves without having self-deprecating thoughts. When our self-esteem is intact, we treat ourselves well and seldom doubt whether we are worthy of love.

Low self-esteem propels us to engage in behaviors that perpetuate cycles that reinforce our negative beliefs and views of ourselves. Sadly when we struggle with low self-esteem, we lose our capacity to connect with others since we don’t see our worth and often believe others feel the same. Here are a few examples of how we conduct our lives when we have low self-esteem:

How it impacts us:

• Negates our value to others – we believe no one will miss us if we cease to exist
• Self-critical – we focus on our flaws and failures and downplay our worth
• We select unhealthy partnerships since we assume we cannot attract better connections
• Remain in harmful relationships – We believe that the current relationship is the only one for us since we are unworthy of anything better
• Risky sexual patterns– We engage in impulsive sexual behaviors driven by the unconscious need to feel wanted and special
• Reduced Sex drive – We often feel unattractive and undesirable, negatively impacting our libido
• We neglect ourselves – We stop taking care ofour appearance and take on the attitude of why bother since nothing good will happen
• We give up on goals – We stop believing we are capable of achieving anything
• Believe we are unworthy – when we think we are unworthy, it leads to avoidance of enjoying good things or taking advantage of opportunities that come along
• We participate in negative self-talk – we feed ourselves negative beliefs that keep us stuck and unable to improve our situation
• Low self-esteem amplifies depression – Our self-esteem makes us feel unworthy and leads to depression that disengages us from our lives and others.
• Impacts our relationship –Our self-esteem fuels our beliefs of being unattractive and unworthy of love, which confuses our partners, making them think they did something wrong or there is wrong with them that they failed to make you happy.

To compensate for having low self-esteem, we often engage in unhealthy coping patterns that increase dopamine production in our brain, giving us temporary relief.

 Some of the temporary coping methods we use are the following:

• Over-eat – We eat junk food, specifically sweets, since they increase our energy levels, which triggers dopamine
• Self-medicate – We may drink more alcohol, use illicit drugs or overconsume prescription drugs to numb ourselves
• Over-shop – We seek comfort in retail therapy by buying things we may not need but give us temporary pleasure
• Withdraw – We retrieve from situations since we do not feel we are capable of achieving much
• Isolate – We avoid people to hide our flaws or avoid talking about uncomfortable situations

Just because we are feeling poorly does not mean we have to remain in emotional limbo. We can break the patterns that got us into a loop of self-abasing practices. However, you have to begin to take action and truly stop endorsing negative self-talk

Healthy ways to cope:

• Track your emotional cycles and patterns by keeping a journal
• Seek Mindful Therapy or Cognitive Behavioral therapy
• Use self-hypnosis to release negative thoughts and patterns
• Practice visualization techniques to help you envision a healthier lifestyle
• Surround yourself with uplifting people
• Learn to use positive self-talk using mantras
• Take time to practice self-compassion
• Start doing fun things such as taking a walk by a beautiful park, taking pictures of things you find interesting, learning something new
• Pamper yourself. Trim or dye your hair, anything just to refreshen your look. (no extreme make-overs)
• Let others help you; you will be surprised by how supportive others can be.

It can take time to rebuild yourself and break free from negative self-talk. However, every step you take will improve your life. Just be patient and kind to yourself.

Copyright ©2023 R. Castro

Resources

Self-love meditation:
https://youtu.be/cFeCUfw657g

FEAR AND SELF IMAGE

Our desire to be accepted and loved; fuels a need to play roles that go against our true nature.  We subject ourselves to over shopping to find clothes that gain us admission into the trendy clubs of social acceptance.  We dye our hair a million shades at the risk of losing every follicle due to chemical damage. We go into credit card debt just to purchase the latest anti-wrinkle treatment or by an outfit that can broadcast to the world how significantly relevant we are because we are afraid to be alone. In short, we fear rejection, not being worthy or admired by others. I know this statement sounds harsh and over the top, but we can trace the truth if we explore our behaviors closely.

We over-exert ourselves to fit in by buying the latest outfits or gadgets. We go to the gym or the plastic surgeon or cosmetic counter, looking for some method for reducing fat pockets, get perky tits, and fewer wrinkles so we can look young and sexy. The sad reality is that regardless of how many dollars or euros we spend, time keeps no one young if it’s not in their DNA.   

I believe we are all trying to fit into categories that make us more desirable and likable to others.  In essence, we need others to want us because we reject ourselves, especially our appearance. According to Harvard, beauty industries have gained financial success by capitalizing on our need to consume the latest products.

If you struggle to keep up with appearances, understand that your battles are not new or unique to you.  According to an article on Avenue Five Institute, the beauty industry has made billions over the decades on skin and hair products alone. People are afraid to be unattractive and will do whatever it takes to update their looks, including taking dangerous skin-whitening chemicals and forcing their bodies into unnatural sizes and shapes.

Sadly, as you invest money in making changes based on a trend you like, you then discover that a new trend has emerged, meaning you now need to invest in getting something else done. And yet, regardless of what you fix, trends change, as demonstrated in two articles, one in the Fashion ball and the other Bust, about the numerous beauty trends in history. According to both sources, history is loaded with radical beauty changes, and trying to keep up can be challenging and, at times, even dangerous.

The need to change our appearances comes from a deeper level than just our looks; it comes from low-esteem, fear we are not good enough, and a need to stand out. Somewhere in our history, we got rejected, bullied, or told one too many times that we are not good enough because we looked a certain way. The harassment and rejection made us so miserable that we decided we would physically change and show everyone how great we can become. Sadly, those types of scars do not go away even if we get surgery, lose weight, or become a sex symbol.  The physical appearance may change, and we can gain confidence, but the emotional scars remain.

The key to feeling confident is in embracing yourself as you are. Find your brand of beauty without subjecting to beauty trends that are inconsistent and are forever updating. The fact is beauty standards are globally varying, which means whatever you invest your time in money in will change as soon as the next trend arrives. According to an article on The Clever, beauty is in the beholder’s eye since beauty is different from culture to culture.

What we think is beautiful is another reality based on what we are programmed to see as beauty.  Take a moment to examine; if you were never told that big butts or certain hair types were sexier, you would never really know the difference.

The reality is if you were never programmed to believe a flat tummy is sexy or big muscles were desirable, you would have been pleased with a round bottom or potbelly like the Ancients Egyptians, who saw bellies as a sign of wealth. Beauty is an artificial construct and not based on anything other than trends created by marketing industries to sell products, services, and goods. 

If you decide to lose weight, do so because you will function better. If you go to the gym, do so to feel stronger, gain flexibility and endurance. Stop trying to look like a bikini model because many do not look like they do in photos.


If you doubt this, just look at the beauty trends throughout history in the reference section.

References

Achieng, V.  (2017) 15 Strange Beauty standards from around the world. Retrieved from:  https://www.theclever.com/15-strange-beauty-standards-from-around-the-world/

Beningfield, J. (2019). Bizarre beauty trends in history that you probably wouldn’t use today. Retrieved from:  https://admin.thefashionball.com/trends/bizarre-beauty-trends-history-fb/

Harrison, O.  9 Beauty trends from history: the weird, the gross and the dangerous. Retrieved from: https://bust.com/style/15479-tk-totally-weird-beauty-trends-in-history.html

Silverthorne, S. (2010) The history of beauty. Retrieved from:https://hbswk.hbs.edu/item/the-history-of-beauty

(2014). A brief history of the beauty industry. retrieved from: https://www.avenuefive.edu/brief-history-beauty-industry/

Sex and Self-esteem

Sex is a real mood changer. It contributes to feelings of being wanted, desired and worthy. Sadly, many individuals equate sexual activities as signs of being desirable or valued.  Many people get stuck in a loop of wanting validation, especially when they lack a healthy amount of self-esteem. Validation for many lacking self-worth comes in the form of sex, compliments, and they often see being desired by their partner as a sign that they are worthy of the relationship.

Now, whenever a partner has lost interest in having sex with their partner, there is a tendency for the partner to feel rejected and undesirable, which slowly erodes the self-esteem. Diminished sexual acts between partners often lead to one person feeling rejected, which then creates a decline in self-esteem.

Part of the reason that sex increases the sense of well-being and overall self-worth is that sexual acts contribute to the production of dopamine through means of orgasms. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that enhances the production of oxytocin, which is the cuddle hormone responsible for human socialization and attachments.  Oxytocin is also responsible for the feelings of attachment mothers feel towards their newborn infants.

The production of oxytocin not only creates a need for attachment, but it also contributes to feelings of self-worth, self-esteem and feeling positive.  When you combine the neurotransmitters with behaviors that make a person feel wanted, it is easy to see how sex can make a person feel extra special and wanted whenever a partner wants to have sex.

The fact is, that sex is not the only way to feel special and wanted. But it is one of the best ways to have the brain produce oxytocin through the enhancement of dopamine spikes. Now the dilemma is how to improve a relationship when the sex is not often due to health, PTSD issues or only different-sex values?  The answer is to enhance the relationship through other means that also increase a sense of overall well being.

There are natural ways to increase the spikes of dopamine, which will assist in the production of oxytocin.  Here are some examples of basic methods:

1. Hugging
2. Cuddling
3. Laughing
4. Dancing
5. Exercising
6. Non-sexual Intimacy which includes, romantic dates, pillow talk, spending quality time alone.
7. Learn something new together
8. Bake together (make chocolate cookies or desserts)
9. Meditate together

In summary, enjoy your partner. Make each moment count when you are together, and this will reduce the doubts and fears that erode trust and faith in your relationship. It will also lessen the need for sexual validation. The fact is that sexual needs are physical, just like the need to eat, but it doesn’t mean you are worthless because the need diminishes.  Self-worth is about your sense of appreciation for yourself. What others think of us, will only make us feel good for a brief moment. But what we believe about ourselves last a lifetime.

Copyright ©2017 Rosa Castro

References

Dopamine. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dopamine

Psychology Today (2017) What is dopamine? Retrieved https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/dopamine

Write Studio (2017)The effects of Increasing Dopamine. Retrieved http://www.writestudio.com/335/increase-dopamine-risks-and-benefits

The Dual Nature of Self-worth

Our self-worth is both a social byproduct as well as a chemical reaction to old tapes.

We measure our worth based on social constructs. Depending on where we grow up, who raised us, and what era we were born,  our self-worth evolves to match the values of the day. Aside from the outside influences, our brain is also a co-pilot in how we evolve and react to our social cues. Therefore, we have a double layer of external and internal aspects that contribute to how we see ourselves in the big picture.

Biologically we are predisposed to certain moods and behavioral realities because of the production of neurotransmitters in the brain which activate feelings and reactions to social cues. Our brain is a storehouse of emotional memories that get reactivated whenever we experience events that trigger us emotionally. Specific life events produce chemical reactions, which contribute to the changes of the neurotransmitters serotonin and dopamine levels in the brain. The changes in the levels of the different neurotransmitters, help create different emotional reactions from fear to extreme happiness. The chemical fluctuations also contribute to feelings that become anchored to the events, and whenever we experience present-day events with similar attributes, we relive the memories on a biochemical level.

Our brain chemistry not only contributes to how we feel about situations but also how we think of ourselves. Our self-worth, self-esteem, and motivation levels get influenced by our brain chemistry, which is why individuals get attached to situations that help spike neurotransmitters that produce good feelings.

When we combine social constructs and brain chemistry, we have a double dose of influences that impact our overall well being. On the surface, we might assume we are doomed since we might not be able to see how we can manage both outside forces and internal chemical reactions.  Keep in mind; our perceptions influence our brain’s  chemical reactions. We might not have control with external influences, but we do have some control over how we react.

We are all emotionally influenced. However, the value we placed on specific issues will determine how emotional we become. Our abilities to see ourselves has a lot to do with how much value we put on our beliefs and views of the world. Letting others dictate what is essential will diminish our abilities to trust our viewpoints and in our skills to handle situations. We become vulnerable and easily frustrated when we give merit to the opinions of others over ours. Whenever we dismiss our views in favor of someone else’s we deny our worth as a valuable member of society.

Socially, we can learn how to disconnect from unhealthy social norms that make us feel worthless and useless when compared to others. We can decide how we conform or break free from social values that do not fit our survival needs. For instance, our views on relationships, work or social roles do not have to remain stuck on what we learn while growing up.

On the Biological level, we can reinforce the positive production of neurotransmitter activity by making healthy choices, both dietary and physically. We can rebuild ourselves and choose a lifestyle that continuously enhances our overall well-being such as the following:

1. Regular meditation practice stabilize moods and chemical brain production
2. Clean diets regulate moods as brain activity
3. Exercises help oxygen travel more efficiently to the brain and regulates moods
4. Doing esteemable acts builds up self-esteem and overall confidence in ourselves
5. Improve your communication skills so you can advocate for yourself
6. Avoid harmful drugs and addictive behaviors.
7. Develop healthy boundaries so others can not take advantage of you
8. Practice self-care and self-compassion
9. Keep a journal so you can maintain track of personal progress
10. Create goals to help you achieve your dreams
11. Avoid procrastination since it reinforces feelings of failure.
12. Overall be kind to yourself

Biology and social environment might influence our lives on many levels. But at the end of the day, we do have the options of taking actions and changing our realities. Perhaps you might not know how to start the process of change and improve your lifestyle, however, you do have the sources to create the life you want.

Copyright ©2017 Rosa Castro

The Road to Self-Empowerment

The road to empowerment begins with a list of personal needs and desires. You have the heart and available wisdom to enrich your life thoroughly. The roadblock stopping you is the belief that outside forces are blocking your path, when the main force in your way is yourself and how you see you.  First, you must allow the process of change to occur, which will begin by modifying the patterns and old beliefs you have been holding to. The thinking that you need special things in place to thrive and make changes. Your irrational fear of success, trying or merely embarking on a radical journey that might mean closing some doors and throwing out the key.

You might think that affirmations and meditation is the only way to create changes, and let’s face it you tried it in the morning, and by the evening you were still the same. To change things, you will need to start with some essential elements:

1. Patience- you did not become you overnight, it took years of cultivating self-abasing mantras to create you.
2. Consistency – you do not eat a salad today and expect to lose weight by tomorrow. You to do healthy things DAILY, and not occasionally.
3. Living healthy – it’s a 24-7 life, therefore, to obtain results, you need to stick to your goals as a lifestyle.
4. Let go – many of the negative messages or self-labels are things you learned while growing up. Please return those labels to their owners. You are not your behavior or the tags others posted on you.
5. Honesty – you need to honest with yourself if you are to create a life of empowerment. You cannot continue to live in denial and pretend some aspects in your life are acceptable.
6. Stop Self-sabotaging- these means don’t set you up to fail. You need to honestly work through the patterns that continue to reinforce negative behaviors, poor choices and then giving up because you claim to be tired of the fight. Keep in mind the fight is for you and your life.
7. Invalid excuses– some excuses we use are simply a form of sabotaging behavior. Be honest when you create excuses that set you up to give up your goals. Being tired is not an excuse, while being ill may be.
8. Fatigue – tiredness is a sign we must rest, but not a sign to give up. Stop using being tired as a result to stop doing things. Whenever you start a new routine that requires using the extra energy not used before, you will be tired. Give your body time to adjust, which only happens by sticking to your routine and NOT QUITTING.
9. Self-care Selfish – learning to care for yourself is not selfish, yet many people tend to feel that focusing on themselves is the self-centered and narcissistic thing to do. No, selfish needs are about caring for oneself at the expense of others. Self-care is about caring for oneself in addition to others and for the sake of a healthy life.
10. Self-compassion – this is about recognizing your struggles and challenges and not about self-pity. It’s about being aware of your humanness and needs without criticism or harsh judgments.
11. Self-love– when you love yourself, you will take care of your needs, desires and do whatever it takes to live a life that is loving and productive according to your terms. You will stop seeking the approval of others, since because you know your

To achieve the above elements in your life does not require as much effort as you have trained yourself to believe. It takes being indeed and honestly accepting yourself as a person who needs to improve only for your sake and not to fit into the mode created by others.

Copyright©2018 Rosa Castro

 

 

Sexualizing pain

Sex can be a vehicle for a mind-altering experience that can take transfer you out of your current reality. For some, sex is not only a way to connect to others, but a fantastic way to release tension and alleviate stress. It also increases dopamine levels which helps in the production of the cuddling hormone known as oxytocin, which is responsible for human bonding.

Of course, anytime dopamine levels are increased, there is a tendency to generate good feelings and elevated moods, which turns any activity into a desirable one. The surge of dopamine levels is rising during sexual activities, not only turns sex into a transformative experience but also a mood enhancer. Of course, anything that provides relief can eventually become abused, especially when a person has a history of pain.

Painful memories can be hard to manage and hard to release. For many individuals who suffered trauma or abuse, pain can become triggered continuously by the small incidents. Many individuals struggle to forget painful events, and often their coping tools are not always useful. To cope, many victims of trauma and abuse seek different roads for relief. Some are lucky enough to get therapy and proper emotional support. Others find unhealthy alternative methods such as substance abuse, overeating, crisis-oriented situations and harmful sexual practices.

It is easy to see how drugs, overeating, and crisis-oriented situations can be a poor choice for coping, but many might not view sex as an issue. For the most part, sex can be fun and pleasant activity, however, when it becomes a tool for coping with painful memories, it stops being healthy. The impact sex has on individuals ranges; therefore, it is useful to see the diverse ways it manifests and why it is an unhealthy way to deal with pain.

Ways its manifest

Sexual hookups – random and anonymous partners often mean sex without meaning and often leads to compromising situations.

Disassociation – this desensitized behavior provides an opportunity to detach and become numb while engaging in mindless sex.

Unsafe sex – engaging in sexual activities with partners who have transmittable diseases, mean placing oneself in a high-risk situation for several illnesses.

Dangerous encounters – individuals can be raped, beaten, robbed, even in situations when there is consent. Sexual behaviors can escalate and become violent

Poor choices – meeting individuals who are expecting more than just sex and don’t want just casual sex can become an unpleasant experience. You can potentially end up with a stalker.

Impulsive behaviors – having sex in public places that can put you at risk for getting caught.

Acting out – sex allows individuals to behave in ways that are outside their normal realm of reality. It will enable them to let go and get into situations that take them outside their comfort zones

Unhealthy validations – sex allows individuals to get tons of compliments and recognition, even if it’s purely part of the sex act. Many individuals with low self-esteem thrive on compliments regarding their looks, body or sexual skills. Being wanted by someone who is physically appealing provides gratification

Infidelity – Some individuals (operative word SOME) who are having marital problems engage in sexual misadventures when they feel unwanted, unneeded or invalidated by their spouses.

There comes the point when the random sexual encounters stop being fun and no longer provides you with enjoyable benefits because the pain does not retract. Regardless how many partners you have or how many wild episodes you engage in, you do not forget your pain.  Pretty much, the consequences of your sexual escapades are outweighing the benefits. The validation, the strangers, and the risk are not helping you forget your pain. If anything, it seems to be adding more discomfort and complications to your life. At which point, you need to seek another source, a healthier one to heal. To help you determine if you are misusing sex ask yourself the following:

1. You struggle to resist sexual impulses that you have been trying to avoid
2. You find yourself engaging in sexual behaviors that make you feel shameful
3. You continuously attempt to reduce your impulses, but find yourself unable to stop
4. You find yourself spending money on sexual encounters on a regular basis, even when you can’t afford it.
5.  You are preoccupied with sexual activities regarding seeking opportunities for it
6. You pretend you have feelings for someone just to have sex with them.
7. You only call certain friends when you need sex, but basically, never bother with them, yet you make them think you are friends.
8. You become very annoyed or angry if someone refuses to have sex with you
9. You cheat on your partner just to have sexual experiences
10. You take drugs only to enhance your sexual performance
11. You become incredibly depressed when you are not having sex
12. You feel unattractive if someone does not want you sexually
13. You become extremely happy whenever someone compliments your body or your sexual skills.
14. You are willing to have sex without protection if that is what the other person wants
15. For you, the best thing about sex is the sensation of floating
16. Your need for intensity for pleasure seems to have increased over time, which means to have an orgasm you need more stimulation, take more drugs and more risk.

Keep in mind; no one is telling you not to have sex. The message is to see how you might be using sex to escape your pain. Take an honest look at your sexual life and determine if your behavior is productive and not a form of escape. Your overall goal for healthy living is a balance, or at least an attempt to achieve it.

Copyright©2018 Rosa Castro