Coping with Love triangles

What happens when you love someone who is in love with someone else? How do you manage to hang in there and wait for the miracle of love?

It’s not easy loving someone who is part of a love triangle. It means waiting and patiently hoping they will see your worth. The truth is that in a love triangle, no one is better than anyone else.  Though the love selection might seem to be about who is a better fit for the person, being a better fit for someone does not mean you are less worthy, less attractive, or less of a person.

People take partners based on what they need and how they function as a couple.  However, the individual not selected to be the primary partner in a lover’s triangle often feels left out, broken, and inadequate. There is a tendency to critically look at oneself as a failure for not ensuring love or winning the heart of the one we want.

We tend to select partners that often mimic the relationship dynamics of our parents or those we knew while growing up and assumed were normal. Even if a current relationship duplicates the dysfunction, we grew a happy and balanced relationship.

Our romantic attraction is often designed by what we grew up regarding as the ideal romantic union, which means that regardless of how good or bad a person may be for us, our attraction to a specific type will win out to logic. In truth, this is where talking to a therapist or spiritual coach can be valuable in helping us figure out why we are willing to be a third piece to a love triangle.

In the case of a love triangle, we select the person that feels most familiar with what we consider our relationship “type.”  Though we often think our romantic selections are based only on how attractive a person is, the fact is, the appearance is only packaging. Still, our attraction is more profound than the looks, which is why sometimes individuals go after someone others find unattractive.

In short, if you are not selected to be the main love interest in a love triangle, do not judge yourself as unworthy or unattractive. Remember, our love connections have a lot to do with our historical programming on love relationships and not our worth.  Though we may see ourselves as unworthy of good relationships, it does not mean we are indeed unworthy.  Here are some practical ways to cope:

• See the help of someone neutral who is not a friend to anyone in the triangle.
• Make a checklist of the pros and cons of retaining your role in the relationship.
• Ask yourself, are you happy most of the time or only once in a while?
• How often do you get to participate in this love triangle?
• What role do you play?  Are you the emotional caretaker, the financial provider, or the family babysitter?
• How often do you get your needs met in this triangle?
• Did you ever get to enjoy date night?
• Do you feel loved or used?

I realize answering some questions can be painful and hard to explore.  If you find yourself struggling to answer any questions, it may be time to talk to someone in order to sort out your needs realistically. Keep in mind, just because someone tells you they love you it does not mean you owe them a relationship.  Love is more than a word; it is also an act of affection and respect towards those that matter

Copyright 2023 R. Castro

Identifying Negative Relationship Beliefs

When it comes to relationship interactions, we are often focused on how others treat us. We look for abusive traits and patterns in others but often neglect to see our role. Many of you often believe you are completely powerless when it the type of relationship we get into. The fact is we select relationships based on a number of patterns that are familiar and have come to accept as normal to our reality. For some of us, while growing up we heard and were often exposed to a lot of negative beliefs and stereotypes about how both men and women behave.

Many of us were told that all men cheat and have commitment phobia, while women were often depicted as sexual outlets for me or baby-makers, among other unhealthy labels. The fact is many of our negative beliefs about relationships stem from what we were told are the roles men and women play.

In order to create healthy relationships, you need to undo a lot of your thinking patterns regarding how you view relationships and romantic roles. You can begin by identifying specific ideas or even myths about relationships, which influence your attitude regarding romantic connections. Let’s begin by reviewing some of the following myths to see which ones you identify as issues that influence your relationship patterns:

1. All people cheat
2. All good people are taken
3. It’s too late to find anyone worth marrying after 35 years old
4. You need to be attractive or have money to find the right mate
5. Women just want to be supportive
6. Men have sex on their mind all the time
7. Women are expected to maintain the household
8. To be happy in a relationship, you need monogamous
9. Monogamy is the only way to be in a relationship
10. You are supposed to have sex regularly otherwise your marriage is in trouble
11. Men cheat more than women
12. Men and woman can not be platonic friends
13. Having separate interest is a sign that a relationship is in trouble
14. Fighting means that the relationship is doom to end
15. When people date outside their race its because they are fulfilling a fantasy
16. Stepparents are always evil
17. When someone is single, it means they are either gay, unattractive or mentally unfit
18. Marriage is about having kids and supporting your wife
19. Women are supposed to cook, clean, raise the kids, even if they are working full-time
20. Men are not as emotional as women
21. Women are all about money
22. Love means tolerating things we do not like
23. If you love your partner you learn to accept everything they do
24. Nothing is worse than being single
25. Women who do not have kids are selfish
26. Compromising means learning to give up
27. Sex saves a marriage

 

The list can be endless. I am sure I missed a few items, and if I did, please feel free to add your comments. The idea of the list is to help you see how some of these areas influence the type of relationship you develop with others and what we have come to expect as the norm.

Relationship patterns are not set in stone. We can alter how we view relationships, by learning how to identify our patterns and making conscious choices. We do not need to settle and have every opportunity to engage in new and healthy relationships. The key is learning to let go of patterns and not settling for what is comfortable and typical.

copyright© 2019 R.Castro

Relationship Blueprint

When I first began to write this blog, I was motivated to write about couples and the issues that tackle that often bring them into therapy. As you know if you have ever had problems in your marriage or relationship, there are many layers to the types of problems couples face. I realized quickly that one blog can never begin to cover the issues many couples face, because the fact is, we all have our unique style of loving and sharing our lives.

Everyone enters a relationship with their own set of personal issues, based on what they faced in their early stages of human development.  From the onset of our lives, the relationship patterns were established and for many cemented for life.  Regardless of how we handle situations today, our early patterns contributed to the entire package of how we carry ourselves throughout our personal histories.

Many are lucky and I use the term loosely because some of us along the way learn how to cope and get unstuck.  We learn coping skills either through an early encounter of human kindness or the hard harsh realities of life. Some learn to cope successfully and some just never seem to unlock the way to get out of the early miseries our lives presented.

As a result of our early imprinting, our relationships with others are either successful or basically a string of heartbreaks.  Many of us are not blessed with mentors or saviors in our early beginning, but we can still want and need love to some extent even if it has been a struggle.  Our need for love often drives us to either seek help or endure painful and unhealthy relationships.

In order to navigate relationships on a healthy level, it helps to develop an understanding of what relationships mean.  Some key elements to help individuals begin to engage in healthy relationships consist of the following:

1.  What do you expect from a relationship?
2.  What was your family history like, did you come from a close family or one that thrives in dysfunction?
3.  Why do you want a relationship?
4.   What is the longest relationship you have ever been in?
5.   What do you consider a healthy relationship?
6.   What does the term commitment mean to you?
7.   What is the greatest fear you have about relationships?
8.   How do you feel about infidelity?
9.   Have you ever been in an abusive relationship?
10. What are the things you will not tolerate in a relationship? And why?
11.  Do you think you can be with the same person for life?
12.  Do you believe in a soul mate connection?
13.  What type of individuals have you dated in the past?
14.   How comfortable are you with disagreements?
15.   How are your communication skills?
16.  How well are you at resolving problems?
17.  How comfortable are you in social events or family?
18. What are your views on relationship roles?  Are you traditional, contemporary or a blend of old-world values and new thinking?
19. At what point do you feel its time to fight or end a relationship?

The questions above are designed to invoke thinking. Not every question may be completely answered by you, but it will allow you to think a bit. Your ability to engage in a relationship is influenced greatly by your beliefs and your views on what relationships represent.

Relationship conflicts do not occur overnight but after a series of unresolved events and situations.  However, before you can begin to save your marriage or relationship, you do need to review your personal views on the relationship, because those are the key elements that will help you resolve your conflicts.

Copyright © 2020 R. Castro

 

 

Sex and Self-esteem

Sex is a real mood changer. It contributes to feelings of being wanted, desired and worthy. Sadly, many individuals equate sexual activities as signs of being desirable or valued.  Many people get stuck in a loop of wanting validation, especially when they lack a healthy amount of self-esteem. Validation for many lacking self-worth comes in the form of sex, compliments, and they often see being desired by their partner as a sign that they are worthy of the relationship.

Now, whenever a partner has lost interest in having sex with their partner, there is a tendency for the partner to feel rejected and undesirable, which slowly erodes the self-esteem. Diminished sexual acts between partners often lead to one person feeling rejected, which then creates a decline in self-esteem.

Part of the reason that sex increases the sense of well-being and overall self-worth is that sexual acts contribute to the production of dopamine through means of orgasms. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that enhances the production of oxytocin, which is the cuddle hormone responsible for human socialization and attachments.  Oxytocin is also responsible for the feelings of attachment mothers feel towards their newborn infants.

The production of oxytocin not only creates a need for attachment, but it also contributes to feelings of self-worth, self-esteem and feeling positive.  When you combine the neurotransmitters with behaviors that make a person feel wanted, it is easy to see how sex can make a person feel extra special and wanted whenever a partner wants to have sex.

The fact is, that sex is not the only way to feel special and wanted. But it is one of the best ways to have the brain produce oxytocin through the enhancement of dopamine spikes. Now the dilemma is how to improve a relationship when the sex is not often due to health, PTSD issues or only different-sex values?  The answer is to enhance the relationship through other means that also increase a sense of overall well being.

There are natural ways to increase the spikes of dopamine, which will assist in the production of oxytocin.  Here are some examples of basic methods:

1. Hugging
2. Cuddling
3. Laughing
4. Dancing
5. Exercising
6. Non-sexual Intimacy which includes, romantic dates, pillow talk, spending quality time alone.
7. Learn something new together
8. Bake together (make chocolate cookies or desserts)
9. Meditate together

In summary, enjoy your partner. Make each moment count when you are together, and this will reduce the doubts and fears that erode trust and faith in your relationship. It will also lessen the need for sexual validation. The fact is that sexual needs are physical, just like the need to eat, but it doesn’t mean you are worthless because the need diminishes.  Self-worth is about your sense of appreciation for yourself. What others think of us, will only make us feel good for a brief moment. But what we believe about ourselves last a lifetime.

Copyright ©2017 Rosa Castro

References

Dopamine. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dopamine

Psychology Today (2017) What is dopamine? Retrieved https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/dopamine

Write Studio (2017)The effects of Increasing Dopamine. Retrieved http://www.writestudio.com/335/increase-dopamine-risks-and-benefits

The Couple’s Toolbox

There are many reasons individuals enter relationships. For starters, most people want to love and someone whom to share their lives with.  How each individual manages their roles in a relationship is the key to making a relationship harmonious or rocky.

As a person embarks on the unchartered path of romantic relationships, they do so with a set of expectations and personal beliefs based on their early exposure to relationship dynamics. If an individual was lucky to have witnessed harmonious or loving relationships, their chances of having a happy relationship are higher.

However, the average person has not only beliefs but expectations of how a relationship should function, which can often clash with their mate’s own set of beliefs and expectations.

In order to cope with natural differences in a relationship, it is useful to prepare.  Here is are some recommendations to help you cope.

1. No two people have the same relationship expectations
2. Having similar expectations does not mean you will agree on everything
3. It is perfectly natural and normal not to agree on every issue
4. Just because your partner and you have differences, it does not mean your relationship is doomed
5. Respecting each other’s difference is vital for harmony, and respect is not about obeyance but treating each other with mindfulness and care
6. Love alone does not supply a couple with compatibility and the skills to live harmoniously
7. A healthy relationship does have the occasional fight
8. Having an argument or disagreement does not represent the end of a relationship. What kills a relationship is mindless behaviors and abusive treatment
9. Not every problem will be resolved
10. Practice conflict management and not conflict resolution since some issues are not fixable.
11. Do not fear couples’ therapy
12. Avoid giving each other the silent treatment. For some individuals, the silent treatment triggers feelings of abandonment and rejection, which will only amplify all types of hidden fears.
13. When disagreeing be mindful of your words and actions. Just because you are engaged in an argument, it does not mean you need to be hurtful and mean to each other.

The tips above are designed to assist you in making the most of your relationships. Keep in mind if there are any serious issues, the list about will not be an easy fix.  It does take mindfulness and patience to work through relationship issues, but the payoff is worth it.

Copyright © 2020 R. Castro

 

 

How to Cope With Cheating

It can be really painful to acknowledge that our gut feeling may be correct when it comes to cheating.  What happens when you discover that the person you love is cheating? How does one cope with this information?  How do you begin to address the issue of cheating?

There is never a straightforward answer or one method of coping with. Initially confronting someone based on a gut feeling will only make it easy for him or her to deny it. Even if you have evidence, cheaters do find ways to dismantle the facts and somehow place the blame on you for lacking trust.

Many individuals, who are cheating, typically deny their actions or attempt to gaslight their way out of the conversation. They might attempt to flip the topic and make you second guess yourself for questioning them.  The truth is, that your gut is seldom off the mark if anything your gut often detects inconsistencies with precision.  However, using your gut feelings as evidence is pointless especially when there is lying and you have been gaslighted so often that you doubt yourself. The truth does not keep you from confronting infidelity, but rather the idea that being right means you have to take concrete actions.

You need to be smart when approaching the topic of cheating since many cheaters tend to deny their actions.  Also, if you are not ready to make take any action, you will be unable to trust your partner and you live constantly in fear of abandonment. To help you cope while you decide on how to handle cheating, here are some tips.

1. Get grounded.  When you are grounded, you are able to cope better. Whether your partner is innocent or not, the constant worry takes its toll on your body and emotional state.
2. Practice Autonomy. Most individuals rely on their partners to provide them with all their emotional needs, often making them dependent on them for everything. It is unrealistic to rely on one person for everything
3. Engage in extreme self-care.  Practicing self-care means a combination of pampering, exercising, eating healthy and being mindful of your personal needs. The more you care for yourself, the more you will feel confident and feel less vulnerable.
4. Seek therapeutic support. There is a tendency to date specific types who trigger past traumas and insecurities. Therapy provides assistance in breaking self-sabotage patterns and teaching individuals new ways to cope
5. Mixed signals.  Though some behaviors remind us of cheating, it does not always mean there are acts of infidelity.  It is normal to assume cheating is occurring when you feel left out and neglected. However, cheating is one of the many patterns that impact a relationship, but not the only. If you are experiencing isolation and detachment, this is an issue that needs to be addressed even if there is no cheating
6. You got proof. Though you got concrete evidence, your partner manages to gaslight you into thinking you are overreacting. At this juncture, you need to decide how to handle your relationship. It’s vital that you trust your feelings, however, you need to decide how to move forward.
7. To stay or go: You have finally confronted the infidelity. The next move is critical, if you decide to stay, you need to have the skills to let go, otherwise you will never trust your partner and your relationship will remain in a state of constant struggle. If you go, you may find yourself wondering if you made a mistake.

Coping with cheating does not have to mean the end of a relationship or the tolerance of infidelity. The key to coping is about making decisions you can live with. If you choose to remain, you need to be mindful of your feelings and that you do not hold your partner emotionally hostage indefinitely otherwise staying together will be pointless. Keep in mind cheating is a symptom and not always the real problem in a relationship. There are patterns and unresolved issues within relationships that contribute to cheating. Therefore, even if the cheating stops the patterns do need to be addressed, otherwise, acts of infidelity can reoccur.

 

Copyright © 2019 R.Castro