The Dating Blame Game

We usually look for reasons when relationships don’t work out for us. We either blame the other person or blame ourselves. We obsessively try to determine what went wrong and why we failed to make it work.

When a relationship is not working as we like, we attempt to change the other person’s mind by convincing them we are their soul mate and no one else. Our attempts to convince the other person we are good enough can become an obsession, creating an unhealthy and unhappy pursuit of the impossible. 

We are so eager to commit that we already have plans for our future together, how we will live our lives, and even when we have children. And in some cases, some of us have our wedding outfits ready to go to the altar. So why are we failing?

How we fail

1. We attempt to make others fit into our ideal person, even when they demonstrate they are not our fantasy.  In short, we try to fit a foot into a glove.
2. We do not listen because if we paid attention to the truth, we would have to face the fact the person is not suitable for us.
3. We have OUR future mapped out without the input of the other person.
4. We know what we WANT and are determined to get it, even if the other person might resist.
5. We refuse to accept who our partners are and, as a result, attempt to modify them.
6. We are in love with our partner’s potential and disregard who they are in the present.
7. We believe if we can activate our partner’s potential, we will have a perfect relationship.
8. We push with our agendas whenever we undermine who they indeed are.
9. Because we are ready for commitment, we assume the other person should be willing to do the same.
10. We confuse causal sexual interest with a relationship.
11. When we do not accept our partners as they are, they often withdraw from us by lying, not sharing everything with us, and not giving us what we want.
12. When the other person attempts to inform us that they do not want a relationship, we insist they just need time to get to know us better and hope to change their minds.
13. We often blame the other person for the failing relationship, even though they never promised us a commitment.
14. We get upset and take it personally whenever someone is not ready to commit.
15. We do not believe our partners when they tell us they don’t want a commitment.
16. We assume that the more our partner gets to know us, the more inclined they are to fall in love with us.
17. We date married people and believe their stories that their partners don’t understand them. We buy into their blame game for infidelity so we can live with the guilt of having an affair.
18. When the married person does not leave their spouse, we blame them for lying to us, when in fact, we choose to believe we were unique enough to break up a marriage.
19. We assume that love automatically indicates compatibility, so we don’t bother to work on the necessary maintenance.
20. We believe that true love means our partner has to accept everything about us, even if it is challenging.
21. We expect our partner to demonstrate their love precisely as we do.
22. We blame all our relationship struggles on the other person because they don’t live up to OUR expectations of the perfect relationship.

A healthy relationship does not have to be a painful ordeal and heart-breaking experience. The key to a healthy relationship lies in the honesty and communication exchanged in both directions. One person alone cannot make a relationship work. It takes two individuals willing to participate in mending a relationship, to make a relationship long-lasting and healthy.

Copyright©2023 Rosa Castro

Boundaries 101

Healthy and harmonious relationships do not occur on their own. Yes, we might have happy and fulfilling relationships we like; however, we still have to work to maintain balance.  For starters, how we get treated has a lot to do with our ability to create limits that let others know what is ok or not ok when it comes to relationships.  We cannot assume others are automatically on the same page as us just because we get along and have fun whenever we are together.

To understand the necessity of boundaries, let us explore what they are. For starters, boundaries are about keeping a healthy balance between how people treat us and how our roles interact.  Our boundaries allow others to understand what we will or will not endure.  Remember that you can set or modify your boundaries as you see fit, regardless of what others tell you.

Here is a basic list of boundaries to help you get started:

1. Alone time – You can decide when to have company or spend time alone
2. How much to share– there is a time and place when you wish to share, and folks simply need to respect that. You have a right to privacy.
3. Over-Sharing– telling you things that make you uncomfortable and put you on the spot
4. Socializing– You are not obligated to socialize.
5. Disclosure – You decide when and how much to share about yourself.
6. Sexual engagement – It’s your body, and you determine when and how often to have sexual activities
7. Abusive treatment – You do not need to tolerate inappropriate behavior regardless of the persons’ history or emotional status.  If a person is being offensive or vicious, “Calmly and firmly” let them know you won’t engage with them until they are calm.  I know it’s scary, but if you don’t handle it the moment it happens, it will set a pattern. If you are in danger, walk away. If it gets worse, call the police.
8. Yelling – They are shouting or being overtly reactive– There is a strong possibility they are just venting; however, they refuse to talk to them until they calm down.
9. Some folks like to borrow money and forget to pay it back – STOP lending them money. You ARE NOT AN ATM.
10. Drop-in visits– Showing up without calling when we told them to call first – ask them to come back
11. Excessive teasing – Inappropriate teasing that makes you feel uncomfortable is not ok. You need to let people know what is ok and what is not ok. Though teasing may be friendly, not everyone knows what triggers us, so we must let them know.
12. Excessive calling or texting — A person who needs you to call them immediately is needy, and an energy vampire stop picking up the phone or texting back.
13. Calling during work – You do not have to take calls at work. If possible, do not give anyone your work information unless they are your spouse or child, and even then, they should only call for emergencies
14. Sharing your secrets with others – it is never ok to share your personal information without your consent
15. Unsolicited advice- Some folks like to play armchair therapists or superheroes, so they often offer advice without listening or understanding your pain
16. Posting your status on social media – you can do one of two things when this is done; Send them an email to remove the material, and if they ignore you, post on their page that they don’t have your permission to post personal things. Yes, because they embarrassed you, and you have the right to address the situation.
17. PDA behavior – (Public displays of Affection) – If you are a private person, you have a right not to embarrass yourself by doing things in public you dislike doing.
18. Arguing in public – There is a time and place for everything and picking a fight with you in the street is not the place. Walk away and don’t even bother to talk to anyone picking a fight.
19. Borrowing your stuff without asking – Helping themselves to your things – put a lock on your door or closet

No matter how much you talk about your boundaries, there will always be a person trying to push your limits.  It can be tricky to reinforce your boundaries with people you know than with total strangers. We struggle to set limits with family or partners because we often seek their approval or try to avoid disharmony.  However, understand you are not causing problems by standing up for yourself; they are the ones creating the problems by disrespecting you. 

I know it may be scary at times to set boundaries, mainly because we fear losing the person or destroying our chances to get closer. Our boundaries are not fences to be used for keeping others out but rather guidelines in how we wish to be treated.

Copyright © 2022 R. Castro

Reasons for Relationship Disharmony

Many couples naturally assume that the reason they have a disharmonious relationship is due to fighting.  Though fighting is a massive component of relationship disharmony, it is not the only reason for discord.

Understanding the reasons for your fighting will enable you to manage your relationship. Once you have identified the reasons behind your disputes, you can find ways to repair conflict with more efficiency and less bickering.  Here are some areas to review to help you gain some clarity:

1. Poor communication styles – Many folks talk at each other and never really listen to what is being expressed. Proper communication involves active listening and learning to listen to understand.
   
   
2. Spiteful behaviors –It is a tic for tac cycle, where one person gets upset and decides to punish the other person for making them hurt. Punishing your partner only perpetuates problems and never teaches anyone a lesson, so please stop using parental techniques on your adult partner.
   
   
3. Stubbornness – individuals can be stuck on their views and refuse to acknowledge the opinions of others. Holding stubbornly to one’s beliefs makes the other person feel unheard and invalidated.
   
   
4. Lack of trust – though trust is earned, some folks never let their guard down, which often makes the other partner feel left out.
   
   
5. Use anger as a shield: Anger is a powerful emotion that can push away people due to the fear and frustration it induces.  Anger destroys communication and makes the other person feel scared to say anything. Using anger as a defense only means nothing ever gets addressed since the other person fears your reactions.
   
   
6. Lying or omitting the truth – nothing kills trust, like discovering someone is lying to you. Lying is a form of manipulation as well as a shield against facing the consequences. Folks who lie often get caught, which contributes to a decline in trust and erode the relationship’s stability.
   
   
7. Moodiness – It’s ok to be moody and have days when you do not wish to talk. However, moodiness makes our partners feel uncomfortable, lift out, and like they need to walk on eggshells. It’s ok not to have off days, but at least communicate with your partner so they can support your need for space and help understand your mood was not due to something did wrong.
   
   
8. Unequal sex drives – Initially, when individuals get together, their sex drive is driven by the excitement of a new relationship, a fresh start with someone who sees us in the best light, which helps us feel excited and ready for passion. As our relationships stabilize and we begin facing life changes such as aging, health issues, stressful workloads, and less energy, our sex drive begins to decline since many of us just want to rest.  Also, women specifically are surprised to find out that male libido can decrease due to low self-esteem issues related to weight gain and career dissatisfaction.
   
   
9. Undiagnosed mood disorders – Many individuals struggle with undiagnosed disorders that make them closed down and isolate. Mood disorders can contribute to a lot of unexplained behaviors that can create conflicts in your relationship. If you suspect you or your spouse is dealing with an undiagnosed or untreated mood disorder, encourage them to seek help; otherwise, your relationship will continue to decline.
   
   
10. Substance usage – Drug or alcohol use can impact moods and behavior patterns, whether the use is mild or severe. If you or your partner are fighting right after consuming alcohol or drugs or from withdrawals, regardless of the type of substance, it’s time to address the issue. Couples cannot survive or maintain a happy relationship for long when substance use contributes to constant fighting.
    
    
11. Infidelity – Cheating can create profound mistrust and erode the stability of any relationship. Once you partake in the practice of cheating, only a forgiving and understanding partner can tolerate the behavior without making your life miserable. If you have ever cheated or are contemplating the act, you need to evaluate your actions because cheating can be a painful experience to endure.
    
    
12. Excessive Flirting – Some individuals cannot handle flirting since it can trigger many negative feelings; for many, it feels disrespectful and a precursor for future infidelity. If you are charming and enjoy socializing, make sure you have a social partner who wants the same things; otherwise, you will find yourself having frequent fights when you go out.
    
    
13. Intrusive In-Law – Many individuals have a close net family and are used to sharing details with them. Though it is great to have close ties with your family, discussing your relationship issues with them before consulting with your partner can spell disaster. It is strongly suggested you discuss your relationship issues first with your partner and not your mom/dad, siblings, etc.
    
    
14. Outside Meddlers – Getting advice from others concerning your relationship can be useful, but not if you tell them before telling your mate.  First, discuss your concerns with your mate, and if you find you are hitting a wall, you can vent with someone on how to handle things. However, be mindful of the type of advice you seek since outsiders sometimes have their agenda.
    
    
15. Accountability – If you do things that are hurtful and mindless and never acknowledge this, your partner will develop serious resentments that will erode the relationship’s stability. Do not be ashamed or too stubborn ever to admit you are wrong, especially when you know it.

The list contains some of the most obvious situations that impede a couples’ ability to get along and retain a civil relationship.  These behavior patterns need to be corrected because you will find yourself continually having a hard time achieving any type of long-lasting relationship in which you can experience long term joy. Therefore, it behooves you to correct your behaviors rather than simply change partners. Of course, if you find a partner who can tolerate some of the issues mentioned, I suppose that is the other way to handle it.

Copyright © 2020 R. Castro

Developing Active listening skills

Active listening is the cornerstone of healthy relationships.

Some of us think we are great listeners because folks seem to share a lot with us.  The fact is that being a good listener takes a bit more skills than just spending time listening to someone vent.

Active listening is about paying attention to learn and understand what someone is experiencing.  Listening is about hearing what others share to participate in a two-way conversation.

When we engage in conversations with others, there is an exchange of ideas and opinions that transfer from one person to another. We share views, stories, information, and entertaining tidbits through our listening ability. Listening to others speak is fun and uplifting on many levels. The goal of listening is to keep us engaged with others. Sometimes we learn a lot about the person speaking, listen, and see how they view their world.

Keys for listening

Avoid impulsivity – Resist the urge to interrupt without hearing the entire message. It is tempting to interrupt because we become fearful or triggered by specific comments.  However, if we pause, we allow ourselves to hear the entire message

Listen to understand – by focusing on the reasons behind a person’s thoughts and behaviors; we can understand their message.

Stop defending – When we get in defensive mode, we often stop listening because we are ready to battle for the right to set things straight. You can share how you feel and think without the need to justify yourself.

Avoid Trash talk – the minute we engage in trashing each other, the defenses go up, and the ability to hear each other goes out the window. Even if the other person starts to insult, refrain from participating in the trash talk. The less you battle, the more you will

Listen to learn more – we do not know every detail behind someone’s thinking or behavior, even if we know them well. By allowing a person the proper time to express themselves, we will get a better idea of what they are trying to convey

Listen to understand feelings – we all have different emotional reactions to situations, and how we feel will be different from others. 

Listen without personalizing– not every reaction or thought is about us.  Sometimes we simply trigger a reaction that has very little to do with us or even the current event.  Even if something seems about us, keep in mind folks have past experiences that can trigger reactions during conversations

Listen with empathy– put yourself in the person’s shoes rather than your own when listening to their experiences

Avoid trying to repair a person – allow a person to vent without trying to change their thinking or fix them

Be supportive – the role of being supportive involves giving a person a safe space to talk without judgment or punishment for sharing

Process your reactions – You have the right to your feelings; however, take a few minutes to process before sharing. Taking time to process allows you to express yourself clearly without feeling defensive or ready to fight.

Many of us struggle to listen closely has a lot to do with our old communication patterns.  Many of us have experienced a history of invalidation, being insignificant, and being misunderstood.  We have developed a need to be heard to be understood, so we often are on the offense, ready to jam our message across at all costs.  We have learned to believe that we won’t get understood or heard if we don’t say things immediately. Our urgency to be understood and listened to often overrides our ability to listen.  Relax, and listen, and you will be amazed how much the other person will, in turn, relax and listen.


Copyright© 2022. R. Castro

Relationship Revival

Relationship Revival

Most individuals enter relationships under the false notion that having good sex and being in love is enough. Though love and good sex may be key ingredients in keeping us in a relationship, it is not enough to create harmony.  

Once they start living together or get married, many couples fall into the mindset that they have achieved their main relationship goal and that everything will work out. Once a commitment has been established, many individuals focus on monetary goals rather than maintaining their relationships.  Money becomes the focus due to wanting kids or buying a home or simply achieving social status, and as a result, the relationship takes a back seat.

I hate to sound like a cliché, but relationships take work more than money.  When I refer to work, I am talking about keeping ourselves not just in love but connected to our partners on different levels. 

Here are a few tips on how to keep your relationship bliss:

1. Keep the romance going regardless of how busy your lives become
2. Attempt to have at least one meal a day together without looking at the television or texting
3. Learn the art of active listening
4. Learn to communicate directly instead of seeking outside input. Sometimes outsiders, even when they mean well, can create more problems.
5. Practice acts of kindness with each other.
6. Remember the special events like birthdays, anniversaries
7. Make time for intimacy at least once a week, even if there is no sexual activity
8. Spend at least a few hours outdoors together; this allows you to get vitamin D and get out of the routine
9. Cook one meal together
10. Clean and organize your home together at least once a week
11. If you have kids or pets, spend one afternoon outdoors.
12. Do random acts of kindness for each other, such as buy flowers, your partner’s favorite treat.
13. Have a regular date night without focusing on anyone other than each other. (Get a babysitter if possible, or put your kids to bed early so you can spend time alone)
14. Date night can be anything you like, such as playing video games, watching a movie at home or out, making a romantic dinner, or going to a fancy restaurant; it can be any style you both enjoy)
15. Do a weekly activity together, participate in a sport, art class, book club, gym, hike, game night, etc.
16.  Learn to manage your disagreements constructively, without put-downs or criticism. Disputes require learning to create solutions together and not placing blame.
17. Make a gratitude list of what is working and build from there
18. Review your gratitude list daily to reinforce the good things

Keep in mind; all couples get into a routine when they get married., however, the maintenance part of a relationship will contribute to a long-lasting, harmonious union.

Copyright © 2022, R. Castro

Creating a Successful Online Relationship

Online dating can be fun and long-lasting; however, you need to put in an honest effort if you want a decent outcome, like everything in life.

Here are things you do need to do for a healthy online relationship:

1. Be consistent – if you say you are going to call, keep that promise
2. Avoid multiple calls – Calling over a certain amount can be significantly stressful if it cuts into your work or school activities.
3. Do video chats – Video chatting is essential in maintaining a healthy connection, especially if you cannot meet physically.
4. Arrange for physical time – As much as online is convenient, you want to have a physical engagement.  
5. Keep your life balanced – Though you may live for the moment to chat with your online partner, you do need to maintain your regular routines and focus on other areas in your life. Living only for your online mate can produce codependency and eventually erode the balance in any relationship.
6. Be honest – if you have reasons not to be online, avoid lying to your partner. Lies have a way of getting uncovered and destroying the trust in a relationship.
7. Practice active listening – communication is the cornerstone of a healthy and happy relationship. By practicing good communication skills, you can understand your partner and maintain harmony in your relationship.
8. Disagreements happen – all couples have conflicts and disputes from time to time. It is important to remember that differences are natural and normal and do not indicate the end of a relationship. You can learn plenty from a disagreement, especially if you take the time to listen to the person’s concerns and views without trying to justify your behavior. However, the key when fighting is what we learn.
9. Take 3-6 months – Before deciding you are each other’s soul mates, take your time truly getting to know each other. Use this period to invest in learning about each other by asking questions and discussing all things that matter regarding the type of relationship you want.
10. Reduce multiple dating – During the initial 3–6-month period, try to date only each other to avoid potential conflicts from deciding between two different individuals. However, if you don’t feel comfortable with this, be honest.

Regardless of how many tips you follow, there are no guarantees things will end in marriage or eternal bliss.

Copyright © 2022. R.Castro.