Sex and Self-esteem

Sex is a real mood changer. It contributes to feelings of being wanted, desired and worthy. Sadly, many individuals equate sexual activities as signs of being desirable or valued.  Many people get stuck in a loop of wanting validation, especially when they lack a healthy amount of self-esteem. Validation for many lacking self-worth comes in the form of sex, compliments, and they often see being desired by their partner as a sign that they are worthy of the relationship.

Now, whenever a partner has lost interest in having sex with their partner, there is a tendency for the partner to feel rejected and undesirable, which slowly erodes the self-esteem. Diminished sexual acts between partners often lead to one person feeling rejected, which then creates a decline in self-esteem.

Part of the reason that sex increases the sense of well-being and overall self-worth is that sexual acts contribute to the production of dopamine through means of orgasms. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that enhances the production of oxytocin, which is the cuddle hormone responsible for human socialization and attachments.  Oxytocin is also responsible for the feelings of attachment mothers feel towards their newborn infants.

The production of oxytocin not only creates a need for attachment, but it also contributes to feelings of self-worth, self-esteem and feeling positive.  When you combine the neurotransmitters with behaviors that make a person feel wanted, it is easy to see how sex can make a person feel extra special and wanted whenever a partner wants to have sex.

The fact is, that sex is not the only way to feel special and wanted. But it is one of the best ways to have the brain produce oxytocin through the enhancement of dopamine spikes. Now the dilemma is how to improve a relationship when the sex is not often due to health, PTSD issues or only different-sex values?  The answer is to enhance the relationship through other means that also increase a sense of overall well being.

There are natural ways to increase the spikes of dopamine, which will assist in the production of oxytocin.  Here are some examples of basic methods:

1. Hugging
2. Cuddling
3. Laughing
4. Dancing
5. Exercising
6. Non-sexual Intimacy which includes, romantic dates, pillow talk, spending quality time alone.
7. Learn something new together
8. Bake together (make chocolate cookies or desserts)
9. Meditate together

In summary, enjoy your partner. Make each moment count when you are together, and this will reduce the doubts and fears that erode trust and faith in your relationship. It will also lessen the need for sexual validation. The fact is that sexual needs are physical, just like the need to eat, but it doesn’t mean you are worthless because the need diminishes.  Self-worth is about your sense of appreciation for yourself. What others think of us, will only make us feel good for a brief moment. But what we believe about ourselves last a lifetime.

Copyright ©2017 Rosa Castro

References

Dopamine. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dopamine

Psychology Today (2017) What is dopamine? Retrieved https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/dopamine

Write Studio (2017)The effects of Increasing Dopamine. Retrieved http://www.writestudio.com/335/increase-dopamine-risks-and-benefits

The Twisted Journey of Approval

Approval is often confused with love and worth. We managed to misinterpret early in our formative years that approval meant we were good enough for love, attention, and acceptance. We learned that certain behaviors granted us approval, while others repelled admiration. The idea of being ourselves entirely meant that our approval ratings would below. We learned the fine art of people-pleasing by being a chameleon and behaving in ways that granted us the proper ratings. Our need for approval became a desperate attempt to seek unlimited attention from our parental guardians, for which we did almost anything from getting good grades to even misbehaving. Yes, we also learned negative attention was often better than no attention.

It is natural to seek the attention and approval from the people you admire. Attention seeking behavior becomes a problem when your need for attention morphs into a need for continuous validation and behaving in ways that compromise your well-being. As children, we required the focus of our caretakers for survival and basic needs. As adults, our need for attention diminishes as we gain some confidence in ourselves and learn ways to recognize our worth. However, not everyone develops the courage nor the ability to realize their value or self-worth, so they seek outside validation through numerous experiences and behaviors. In the search for approval and acceptance many face situations that create emptiness, shame, and more worthlessness. Examples of approval-seeking practices are the following:

• Symbolic parental approval- As children, some of us have that one parent or adult whom we wanted to appease.  We did everything in our power to obtain their love and attention. If we lacked the skills to do amazing things that would impress them, we misbehaved and managed to get negative attention.
• Relationship compromise- We compromised our values to get what we perceive as love. We give up our values in exchange for a relationship that is often not loving or accepting of our true nature.  We do things and play roles that we barely enjoy just to KEEP a partner around. Then we convince ourselves into believing that the unhealthy relationship is what we wanted anyway.
• Lack of self -respect – You learned to place the values of others wholly and first disregarding your views. You stop respecting your thoughts and beliefs since the approval of others is stronger than your own.
• Engaging in unwanted sexual behaviors- You agree to participate in sexual activities you do not like or enjoy just to keep a partner. You do things like not use condoms and do humiliating activities just for the sake of your partner, even though you have strong feelings about the behavior
• Buying outfit just to fit in- You spend money on items you don’t care for just to keep up with others. Keeping up with others means social approval and feeling like you fit somewhere.
• Unnecessary experimentation- Engaging in behaviors to please others and keeps them interested in being around. Which may include drug usage, engaging in group behaviors that can be illegal, dangerous or just plain stupid; just to fit in.
• Lacking the ability to say no – Some of us have become so accustomed to people-pleasing, that saying no is a challenging and uncomfortable process. We tend to feel a lot of guilt whenever we say no. We overcommit to situations that deplete us merely because we lack boundaries. Saying no is not betrayal nor an indication that we don’t care. Somehow, we internalized the word “no” to mean something awful and uncaring. Saying “no” is a loving way of honoring yourself and your limits.
• Not being your authentic self- stop the chameleon behavior patterns, you cannot be all things to everyone.
• Becoming a bottomless pit- No one person can fulfill all your needs as well as you can. Stop your reliance on others to make you happy. You are responsible for your life and approval ratings.
• Acquiring regular intervals of approval- You continuously want your friends or partners to make you feel special, which is unhealthy and demanding; This will push a lot of people away, especially potential new partners
• Infidelity- The need for attention maybe be intertwined with your sexuality. Infidelity occurs for many reasons, but, you convince yourself that you are cheating on your partner because you want validation. Your need for constant admiration exceeds a partner’s ability to make you feel desirable, so you go outside your relationship.
• Online selfies- You take and post regular selfies just to get tons of compliments or likes. You find yourself checking your social status just to see how many individuals checked out your picture and gave you approval “likes.”

Our poor decision making contributes to a lot of painful situations, and often we have a lot of unresolved internal anger that needs attention. There are ways to help you overcome your need for approval or acceptance. The key, however, is being consistent, and patient since your behavior patterns did not evolve overnight.

How to develop your approval ratings

• Learn to say no without guilt
• Honor your time
• Accept the small compliments without seeking bigger ones
• Create a gratitude list for the next 21 days
• Do anonymous acts of kindness (do not mention it to anyone, thus the term anonymous)
• Be patient with yourself
• Recognize you are enough as you are
• Stop competing for love
• Let go of the past when you needed your parent’s approval
• Honor yourself, but having boundaries and not compromising
• To thyself be true. Be who you are warts and all

The list is a suggestion and something that would be modified depending on your personal needs and issues. The essential key is to allow yourself to be you and stop relying on others to determine your worth for you. Learning to rely on oneself for a sense of value or acceptance is a long journey, but not an impossible one. It does take practice and patience, as well as self-forgiveness.

Copyright ©2017 Rosa Castro

The Dual Nature of Self-worth

Our self-worth is both a social byproduct as well as a chemical reaction to old tapes.

We measure our worth based on social constructs. Depending on where we grow up, who raised us, and what era we were born,  our self-worth evolves to match the values of the day. Aside from the outside influences, our brain is also a co-pilot in how we evolve and react to our social cues. Therefore, we have a double layer of external and internal aspects that contribute to how we see ourselves in the big picture.

Biologically we are predisposed to certain moods and behavioral realities because of the production of neurotransmitters in the brain which activate feelings and reactions to social cues. Our brain is a storehouse of emotional memories that get reactivated whenever we experience events that trigger us emotionally. Specific life events produce chemical reactions, which contribute to the changes of the neurotransmitters serotonin and dopamine levels in the brain. The changes in the levels of the different neurotransmitters, help create different emotional reactions from fear to extreme happiness. The chemical fluctuations also contribute to feelings that become anchored to the events, and whenever we experience present-day events with similar attributes, we relive the memories on a biochemical level.

Our brain chemistry not only contributes to how we feel about situations but also how we think of ourselves. Our self-worth, self-esteem, and motivation levels get influenced by our brain chemistry, which is why individuals get attached to situations that help spike neurotransmitters that produce good feelings.

When we combine social constructs and brain chemistry, we have a double dose of influences that impact our overall well being. On the surface, we might assume we are doomed since we might not be able to see how we can manage both outside forces and internal chemical reactions.  Keep in mind; our perceptions influence our brain’s  chemical reactions. We might not have control with external influences, but we do have some control over how we react.

We are all emotionally influenced. However, the value we placed on specific issues will determine how emotional we become. Our abilities to see ourselves has a lot to do with how much value we put on our beliefs and views of the world. Letting others dictate what is essential will diminish our abilities to trust our viewpoints and in our skills to handle situations. We become vulnerable and easily frustrated when we give merit to the opinions of others over ours. Whenever we dismiss our views in favor of someone else’s we deny our worth as a valuable member of society.

Socially, we can learn how to disconnect from unhealthy social norms that make us feel worthless and useless when compared to others. We can decide how we conform or break free from social values that do not fit our survival needs. For instance, our views on relationships, work or social roles do not have to remain stuck on what we learn while growing up.

On the Biological level, we can reinforce the positive production of neurotransmitter activity by making healthy choices, both dietary and physically. We can rebuild ourselves and choose a lifestyle that continuously enhances our overall well-being such as the following:

1. Regular meditation practice stabilize moods and chemical brain production
2. Clean diets regulate moods as brain activity
3. Exercises help oxygen travel more efficiently to the brain and regulates moods
4. Doing esteemable acts builds up self-esteem and overall confidence in ourselves
5. Improve your communication skills so you can advocate for yourself
6. Avoid harmful drugs and addictive behaviors.
7. Develop healthy boundaries so others can not take advantage of you
8. Practice self-care and self-compassion
9. Keep a journal so you can maintain track of personal progress
10. Create goals to help you achieve your dreams
11. Avoid procrastination since it reinforces feelings of failure.
12. Overall be kind to yourself

Biology and social environment might influence our lives on many levels. But at the end of the day, we do have the options of taking actions and changing our realities. Perhaps you might not know how to start the process of change and improve your lifestyle, however, you do have the sources to create the life you want.

Copyright ©2017 Rosa Castro

Learning to Cope with the Emotionally Unavailable (part 3 of 3)

In the last two series, we explored the different emotionally unavailable types. There is a possibility that the list of types could even expand since no one person will ever fit a type perfectly. The idea behind this blog is to help cope regardless of what decisions you finally decide to make. The fact is that you probably have exhausted yourself looking for ways to fix your relationship so you can live happily ever after with the person you love. But the reality vs. the ideal does not often occur as we hope. Therefore, it is essential for your well-being you find a way to cope and seek the balance you deserve.

We have relisted some of the questions we had asked on the previous blog and this time we insert some methods for coping. Keep in mind that the term coping depends significantly on what it is you are willing to do or not do. Therefore, the success is really in your ability to move forward. The fact is, the person you love is not the only person who stuck.  You are waiting for someone to commit, which keeps you stuck. To help you get unstuck, you will need to review your reasons for being in this relationship. Below are some points to help you evaluate the realities you may dread to face.

1. Review your motivation to remain: Allow yourself to evaluate why you stay in a situation that seems uncertain and emotionally fragile.
2. Changing years of damage: How do you suppose you can help change years of damage faced by the person you love? Do you have skills you can share that will enable the person to change? What skills other than your love will facilitate change?
3. What will be your reward: What do you hope to gain by remaining in this painful struggle? Do you believe you will be awarded a faithful and loving partner for your patients?
4. What are your hard limits: At what point do you think you need to stop waiting for the other person to commit fully? Do you even know what your limits? Do you also realize you can have boundaries when it comes to relationships?
5. Explore their feelings: Has the other person expressed their feelings for you? Are you entirely sure about their feelings for you and are they enough for you to be completely happy?
6. Ability to commit: Do they have the skill sets or even desire to commit? When was the last time they talked about wanting a full commitment to you?  Have they ever been married or seriously involved? Some individuals genuinely enjoy their freedom more than they enjoy full-time For some relationships are about having company, not a full-time partnership.
7. Ability to love: Have they ever loved anyone before? Are they able or even willing to love again? Some individuals believe in one true love and often do not allow themselves to love again, just because it keeps them from potential heartbreak.
8. Your communication styles: Are you able to have an honest heart to heart conversations. Do you struggle to talk freely for fear you might turn them off? Or do you find yourselves talking endlessly, yet not resolving any genuine issues? Keep in mind there are times folks vent and do not necessarily do so for the sake of changing, but just releasing emotional pressure.
9. Schedule: How much time do they spend with you. Are they comfortable spending long periods of time with you? The fact is if they struggle to spend time with you now, what do you think will happen in the future?
10. Project management: There is a possibility that you are attracted to broken Individuals for many unhealthy reasons. Some of us need to feel wanted and needed, and broken individuals tend to have needs that many avoid fulfilling. Whenever you rescue a broken person, do you feel special and necessary. This role can be very addicting and often confused with
11. Stuck on limited love: your definition of love might be different than the other person. Not everyone shares the same idea of love. For some love is an all-consuming process, and for others love is a balanced partnership.
12. Commitment levels: Just like love, not everyone has the same styles of commitments. For some individuals’ commitment means consistency in contact and involvement. For others, commitment implies marriage, kids, and a mortgage.
13. Traditional relationships: this is tricky because not everyone is cut out for relationships that meet social norms. Depending on the lifestyle needs of an individual, a relationship can mean merely seeing each other once a week, and for others, it means moving in and sharing household duties.
14. Professional types: Keep in mind some folks devout most of their energy to their careers and relationships are secondary not because they do not love you, but because their emotional needs are not

There is no easy method for dealing with an unavailable lover. However, extreme self-care allows you to develop healthy patterns, and they will eventually guide you in the direction you need. Part of being involved with an unavailable individual has a lot to do with self-worth and the idea that love is a working task. Somewhere you learned unhealthy relationship patterns and assumed that love is not meant to be easy for you. The following tools are designed to help you become stronger and able to make the decisions you need to make for a more fulfilling outcome.

• Keep a journal – this will prove you with something to review
• Self-compassion meditations
• Seek neutral help – you need someone who will help you objectively
• Maintain boundaries – Stop being accommodating. Whenever you drop everything to meet them, you send the message that your time is theirs to use as they please
• Stop rescuing – you are not their mom or therapist. Having compassion for someone does not mean compromising yourself.
• Communicate honestly – tell them what you need specifically
• Stop living in fear – do not fear abandonment from someone who is committed to you.
• Avoid self-judgment – just because the person is not ready or able to commit, it does not mean something is wrong with you.
• Recognize that you are enough- nothing is lacking with you. And it’s time to allow yourself to recognize your worth regardless of your relationship status.
• Living in the now- As you learn to live in the now, you will stop focusing on the potential of your relationship, especially if you have been with the person more than six Darling, stop dating their potential phantom, especially if they have not grown by now.
• Avoid playing therapist – you need to stop thinking you can fix others. Even if you are a therapist, you need to stop the urge to repair the lives of those you encounter.
• Find a hobby – Channel your passion into something healing and productive, so you will find yourself less prone to obsess over your relationship
• Career types – if you are involved with a professional type, you will find yourself feeling lonely. In this case, you benefit from learning to focus on your own career goals. Otherwise, you might need to seek someone who is less ambitious because asking an ambitious person to reduce their drive is to ask them to stop flying.

Keep in mind that coping is an ongoing practice. It is something to help you escape your emotional prison and find the strength to move forward or remain without feeling so overwhelmed and drained. In the end, the process is laborious and can be lonely, especially if you have exhausted all types of methods to help the relationship grow. The fact is, relationships are always a two-partnership situation and making it your sole project is a sign that the relationship is not balanced. Your reasons for remaining in such a painful position requires review.  You need to seek the outcome that produces the best and healthiest results, and only you can decide how to create your ideal outcome.

Copyright© 2017 Rosa Castro