Emotional Past and Retraumatizing

I understand the value of getting support and validation from others; however, support and validation alone do not erase trauma or lingering pain. The main reason old emotional scars continue to reactivate pain whenever we have present-day reminders is that we have been unable to heal or let go. Please understand I am not stating that we intentionally hold on to pain; we hold one because we have learned to process what occurred adequately. 

Though we may be aware of who or what caused the initial trauma, it does not mean we can understand the motives that precipitated the act.

We may not always uncover the original reasons why bad things occurred to us; however, we can learn to understand our emotional process.

• As infants, we process everything through our senses, and regardless of what occurred; someone yelling, a dog barking, or someone smiling or being scared by spontaneous events; everything left an emotional imprint in our memory bank.
• Regardless of how bright we were, our initial ability to understand others when we were young children or teenagers was limited. We learned the reasons behind certain behaviors through ongoing interactions with others.
• Our capacity to understand others was often limited due to our chronological age and life experience. The more we kept to ourselves while growing up, the less exposure we had to the behaviors of others.
• Our ability to understand others was either stifled or enhanced by our historical interactions with other children or adults.
• Most events in our lives, regardless of how pleasure or unpleasure they were, created an imprint.
• How we are comforted will also contribute to emotional imprinting since lack of comfort will leave us feeling unresolved and, at times, abandoned, even if adults are still present and never truly abandoned us.
• Our emotional states strongly influence our perception of events, and our memory will be impacted depending on how we feel during a specific event.
• How we felt during a past event did not reflect our emotional strength or lack thereof.
• It is natural and normal to feel what we feel when situations occur, regardless of age.

The key to processing our emotional history is to understand that we are no longer the same person, regardless of past events. Life events can trigger emotional reactions; watching a movie, reading a book, or witnessing a couple laughing or fighting can be triggering.

Life does not stop because we have had trauma in our lives. Yes, we can be retraumatized by events, but mostly when we don’t take the necessary steps to begin our healing.

We as individuals need to take charge of our lives and begin the steps to heal. No one can force us to heal, but if we remain in our past, we can only expect continuous vulnerability every time something reopens the emotional past. To help us navigate the present without the past constantly resurfacing, here are some practical tips:

• Practice self-compassion – be as understanding with yourself as you are with others.
• Patient – Give yourself a break and allow yourself the time to heal and feel what you need to feel.
• Self-care – means consistently prioritizing your needs, such as eating, sleeping, and resting.
• Review triggers- take time to review why some triggers continue to impact you even if the current event is unrelated to the initial trauma.
• Present vs. Past – it is vital to recognize not everyone we meet today was involved in the making of our traumatic experience.
• Coping with retraumatizing- Though there is no one easy method, the best way to manage is to remind ourselves we are no longer the same as when we first experienced our trauma.
• Learn limit-setting – you need to learn how to set boundaries; this way, you will regain control and not become so vulnerable to others.
• Triggers – it’s essential to understand that triggers can serve as valuable indicators that we still need to heal rather than a precursor to retraumatizing.

There is never an instant cure for things that create pain and discomfort. There are also no real ways to prevent emotional reactions created by triggers. However, we do have options on how we cope, change, and view ourselves.

Copyright © 2023 R. Castro

Caretaking with Boundaries

Some of us learned at a young age how to be the “responsible adult” in many circumstances, even though we may not have been of age.  We learned to take care of others and make things right for everyone else. We often give so much we forget to eat right, get our personal goals done, or simply fail to rest. We give and give until we collapse. The idea of placing ourselves first has always been a strange and foreign concept, so we seldom do it, or when we do, we feel incredibly guilt-ridden.  In short, we learned to take care of others to our detriment.  

We take care of others for many reasons, and it always comes with a price. We do many of the following things.

1. We learned that we are the only ones capable.
2. We worry that things will not get done if we don’t take care of things.
3. It’s expected since we have been in the caretaker role since we were children.
4. We are afraid to make others upset or disappointed.
5. We learned to avoid conflict by taking care of things.
6. Our identity is enmeshed with the caretaking role.
7. We don’t know how to say no.
8. We believe that without our help, our loved ones will get into trouble or suffer.
9. We feel good and significant when others need us.
10. We like how we feel once things are completed.
11. Others are dependent on us.
12. We believe we are the only ones who care enough or are most capable of doing the tasks.
13. We are the only person left in the life of the individual we care for.
14. We feel obligated because they did so much for us.
15. It’s part of our job to care for others.

Whatever the reasons we have become caretakers, it really does not matter.  Whether we care for others as part of our vocation or simply as a genuine humane gesture, helping others is what you do.  The key to helping others is to learn when to scale back and rest.  Just because others need or want our help does not mean we must neglect ourselves. We are no good to anyone if we lack the proper mindset or physical stamina to help.  To actually be there for others, you need to be there for yourself.  Focusing on yourself does not mean you are selfish, self-absorbed, or a narcissist.

You can be a caretaker and still have boundaries.  Though it may not feel comfortable or natural for some who are so used to overextending themselves, it is healthier to have boundaries. Remember that boundaries are not just for other people but also for yourself.  The idea that you feel inclined to take on the entire role of a caretaker puts you at all times in a very stressful position. For starters, learning to have boundaries is about doing the following:

• Take time to rest and revive yourself.
• Learning to say no without guilt.
• Save some time for the thing you need to do for yourself.
• Prioritize to avoid overdoing it or overcommitting to others.
• You need to learn to stop people-pleasing because you fear disappointing others.
• It’s ok to have “me time.”
• Even if someone has been good to you, postponing helping them when your plate is full is okay.
• Do not allow others to guilt you into doing things you dislike.
• Stop assuming you are the only one who can help; let others help even if they are not as good as you.  
• Learn to ask for help and stop trying to be the only superhero.
• Let others take the initiative without being the first to volunteer yourself.
• Everything does not have to be fixed by you, even if you may be better than others.
• It’s okay to cancel if you are too tired or stressed to help others.
• If you are sick, do not commit to doing things.

In summary, caretaking can be both rewarding and stressful. Your reasons for being there for others are yours to enjoy; however, you must take care of yourself as much as possible to be there without sacrificing your physical or mental health.


Copyright 2023 R. Castro

Practical Decluttering

The term home means different things to different people. For some folks, a home is a place to keep belongings, sleep or share with others.  For some is a personal delight and sanctuary. How individuals keep their home varies from person to person.  Some folks are super tidy, while some have homes that are one step away from being a pig pen.

Whether you are neat or messy, I am sure there have been periods you wish you could find effective ways to declutter, clean, or organize with some efficacy.

Remember that this blog is not about turning anyone into a neat freak or activating your dormant obsessive-compulsive tendencies. This blog is about basic tips and suggestions to assist you in making some improvements in your home.

We have a day-by-day decluttering plan that will allow you to do something every day until it becomes a natural routine.  Some of you, who are overachievers, may do a few extra things in one day, and that is perfectly ok as long as you don’t overdo and then burn out.  The key to this plan is to develop a home organizational system that will allow you to create a home that is free from clutter based on your personal needs.

In your decluttering process, you will remove items from your home you no longer need, want, or use.  Here are some steps: but feel free to add more:

1. Select a day– decide which day you wish to devote to your decluttering plan.
2. The purging planning– Get a notebook and write your task plans in terms of A. Tasks 2. Supplies required 3. Starting space or room 4. Designate a place to discard unwanted items (a bag, box, or trash can) 5. Decide where to store things.
3. Cleaning Budget – create a budget for cleaning and storage supplies. Keep it simple and affordable. You need mostly trash bags and storage bins to organize the things you do keep.
4. Document the event – Take pre and post-photos.
5. Trash day schedule– Be sure to keep track of trash day to help you get rid of stuff immediately and avoid new piles.
6. Focus on one room at a time– Get big bags you can comfortably carry, and select one run to start. Start in the far corner and work your way around the room until it’s clear.  Take your time, but commit to at less two full bags at a time.
7. Donation days – find out about the local places that take donations and plan on delivering things you don’t want to throw away but need to get rid of
8. Declutter the Bathroom –Throw out all the old stuff you barely use. Throw out old towels, floor mats, pieces of soap, etc.
9. Super clean the bathroom- Once you clear your bathroom of old or broken items, super clean your bathroom from wall to floor. Sweep the floor thoroughly.  Once the bathroom floor is swept, begin to wipe the tile walls, and scrub the toilet, sink, and shower/tub.  After everything is scrubbed clean, mop your floors.
10. Kitchen area part 1– begin decluttering your refrigerator of all old food that has been hiding in the back of your freezer and refrigerator.  Clearing the kitchen can take all day, so be patient with yourself.
11. Kitchen area part 2 – begin decluttering your food pantry or cabinets with old food products that have expiration dates.
12. Kitchen area part 3 – Open your cabinets/drawers and review dishes, cups, utensils, and cooking pot collection; decide what you need and donate the rest.
13. Go to another spot– Grab some bags and begin to sort items for donation or garbage.
14. Go to your bedroom – take everything that is not bedding off.  Remove the dirty bedding and place it in the laundry.   Meantime make your bed, but do not put anything on it.

In order for the above process to work, make sure to do the following:

• Make sure to empty the trash immediately.
• Make sure to arrange pick or delivery for your donation.
• If you have a broken item you like, ask yourself if you have the skills to repair it; if not, donate it
• If you have duplicates of something, keep only one or two of the same item.
• If something is dirty and broken, toss it, you deserve nice-looking things.
• Remember, things are only valuable when they are in one piece and not broken.
• You can do a little each day; as long as you don’t stop or add more to the pile, you will eventually stop.
  
  
  

In summary, decluttering takes time and personal commitment, which means no one can decide when it’s time but you.

Copyright © 2023 R. Castro

Coping with Love triangles

What happens when you love someone who is in love with someone else? How do you manage to hang in there and wait for the miracle of love?

It’s not easy loving someone who is part of a love triangle. It means waiting and patiently hoping they will see your worth. The truth is that in a love triangle, no one is better than anyone else.  Though the love selection might seem to be about who is a better fit for the person, being a better fit for someone does not mean you are less worthy, less attractive, or less of a person.

People take partners based on what they need and how they function as a couple.  However, the individual not selected to be the primary partner in a lover’s triangle often feels left out, broken, and inadequate. There is a tendency to critically look at oneself as a failure for not ensuring love or winning the heart of the one we want.

We tend to select partners that often mimic the relationship dynamics of our parents or those we knew while growing up and assumed were normal. Even if a current relationship duplicates the dysfunction, we grew a happy and balanced relationship.

Our romantic attraction is often designed by what we grew up regarding as the ideal romantic union, which means that regardless of how good or bad a person may be for us, our attraction to a specific type will win out to logic. In truth, this is where talking to a therapist or spiritual coach can be valuable in helping us figure out why we are willing to be a third piece to a love triangle.

In the case of a love triangle, we select the person that feels most familiar with what we consider our relationship “type.”  Though we often think our romantic selections are based only on how attractive a person is, the fact is, the appearance is only packaging. Still, our attraction is more profound than the looks, which is why sometimes individuals go after someone others find unattractive.

In short, if you are not selected to be the main love interest in a love triangle, do not judge yourself as unworthy or unattractive. Remember, our love connections have a lot to do with our historical programming on love relationships and not our worth.  Though we may see ourselves as unworthy of good relationships, it does not mean we are indeed unworthy.  Here are some practical ways to cope:

• See the help of someone neutral who is not a friend to anyone in the triangle.
• Make a checklist of the pros and cons of retaining your role in the relationship.
• Ask yourself, are you happy most of the time or only once in a while?
• How often do you get to participate in this love triangle?
• What role do you play?  Are you the emotional caretaker, the financial provider, or the family babysitter?
• How often do you get your needs met in this triangle?
• Did you ever get to enjoy date night?
• Do you feel loved or used?

I realize answering some questions can be painful and hard to explore.  If you find yourself struggling to answer any questions, it may be time to talk to someone in order to sort out your needs realistically. Keep in mind, just because someone tells you they love you it does not mean you owe them a relationship.  Love is more than a word; it is also an act of affection and respect towards those that matter

Copyright 2023 R. Castro

Natural Ways to Improve Your Mood

I started this blog with the idea that I would talk about how to be happier. As soon as I began to think about what to write, I realized that what I consider happiness differs from person to person. I decided to focus on improving moods rather than providing generic tips for happiness. As individuals, we must honor how we feel and address the core of our mood fluctuations rather than be quick to eliminate anything that feels uncomfortable.

To improve our moods, we must understand what “really” created our funky moods. Here is a quick review of what alters our moods:

• Surprises or unexpected changes – some of us need to know precisely what will occur from day to day or hour to hour; anything that changes our routine can throw us off.
• Being tired – being on the go and doing multiple tasks or having a super “busy” lifestyle can exhaust our natural resources, making us vulnerable when things change or don’t go as planned.
• Struggling with Malnutrition – This is tricky because many of us still need to starve, yet we need the proper nutrients our body needs to function because we need to consume the right food for our body type and lifestyles. Too many folks go on restrictive diets to lose weight, often at the expense of their body’s natural nutritional requirements. Or many eat what they can afford since food has become super expensive. 
• Sleep disorders – Not being able to sleep correctly contributes to mood disorders since sleep is a reparative cycle for brain function. The brain uses sleep to recalibrate itself and restore brain chemistry to an optimal level.
• Triggering Dreams – Many of us sometimes wake up feeling emotionally strange and unsure why. Remember that our memories are activated during our dreams, even if we forget what we dreamt.
• Being passive – when we allow others to control us and do not speak up, we learn to repress our feelings. Throughout a period, our feelings pile up, creating a package of emotions that contribute to anger, guilt, or shame.
• Overconsumption of mood-altering substances – When we overconsume chemicals such as alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and prescription or street drugs, it leads to chemical imbalances that affect brain function. Overconsumption changes the brain’s ability to regulate the speed of distribution of neurotransmitters responsible for mood control.
• Poor self-care – how we treat ourselves will influence how we feel. The more we neglect our bodies or home, the more we subconsciously tell ourselves we are not worth caring for
• Blaming others – as we blame others for our moods or the quality of life, we reinforce the idea that we are victims and, therefore, powerless to manage our lives.
• Chronic Worrying – Constantly focusing on what “can go” wrong keeps us in anxiety mode and our blood pressure up. Worrying keeps us focused on the future, robbing us of living in the present and enjoying the things we have.
• Major Life Changes – Abrupt loss that leads to us moving, finding new work, or dealing with grief or health matters will contribute to mood fluctuations.

Identifying what contributes to mood imbalances is a starting point. It is vital to take concrete actions, even if you feel it’s pointless. Here are some concrete tips for action:

• Rest – regardless of how busy your life is, stop and rest for a few minutes or, if possible, hours a day.
• Break day – if your schedule permits, take a day off from chores, even once a month. Remember, a break day means “No chores.”
• Change eating habits – Reduce consumption of processed food. However, if you can only afford packaged foods, read labels to avoid foods high in sugar, sugar substitutes, and salt.
• Sleep or nap – You may not be able to sleep 8 hours straight; however, get into the habit of napping; it will recharge you.
• Exercise – A workout routine can include dancing, walking, exercising at home with light weights, yoga, swimming, or biking. Consistent movement for at least 15 minutes a day is vital. Plus, it increases endorphins naturally.
• Write – get your thoughts on paper; maintain a journal or a blog to express your thoughts and feelings.
• Listen to music – Music can change our emotional channels, so select your favorite tunes and zone out.
• Cook at home – home cooking will allow you to take time to focus on yourself and provides you with the opportunity to cook healthy meals.
• Declutter – creating a change in your environment will improve your mood and help bring on feelings of calm since chaos thrives on disorganization.
• Change your bed sheets – Having clean sheets will allow you to sleep better, improving your mood.
• Shower before going to bed – Regardless of the type of day you had, a shower allows you to wash away the grime and energy of the day.
• Stand up. – if you sit for hours, take breaks by standing up and moving around.
• Stop blaming others – Regardless of how others behave, we must be proactive or remain emotionally stuck.
• Let go – the more we remain stuck in negative feelings, the more miserable we stay. Remember that letting go is not about pretending you are not hurt; it’s about not holding yourself hostage in an emotional box.
• Reinvent your life – if you do not enjoy your lifestyle, take concrete actions to change and stop using others as your roadblocks. Change is our responsibility.
• Live in the present – As we continue to live in our past and hold on to what we used to be, we deprive ourselves of living a fuller life.
• Developing a hobby – focusing on an existing hobby or diving into a new one is a great way to channel our energy productively.
• Make a gratitude list – our views will change when we note what we do have rather than what we lack. Our feelings of worthiness reflect our tendency to look at what is wrong rather than right in our lives.
• Seek help – If your mood persists, regardless of what you do to change the channel, you may need outside help. Consider seeking guidance to help you sort out what to do.

Improving anything in our lives does take time and practice. When we first embark on the voyage of change, we will not see land but keep sailing, and when you least expect it, things will be quite different at the end of your journey.

Copyright 2023 R. Castro

Chemically Induced Mood Disorders and Behavioral Changes

When I first started in the early 80s, most mental health behaviors were often diagnosed separately from substance abuse. Through the years, as research evolved, it was discovered that there was a strong correlation between substance abuse and mental health disorders.  As the years proceeded, the DSM III morphed into the DSM 5 to include mood disorders resulting from substance abuse and medical conditions.

I have decided to discuss the different types of conditions often triggered by substance abuse and medications prescribed for medical conditions.  Keep in mind; I am providing information to help you as individuals sort out the different side-effects that often take on what appears to be mental disorders, when in fact, maybe physical reactions to both medical prescriptions and illicit drug usage.  If you identify any side effects, I strongly recommend that you discuss all side effects with your doctor to avoid further complications.

Here are a few mental health disorders that can be triggered by the usage of illicit drugs or prescriptions:

1. Depression
2. Anxiety
3. Panic attacks
4. Dementia
5. Irritability
6. Uncontrollable crying
7. Hallucinations
8. Psychotic episodes
9. Irregular sleep patterns
10. Changes in eating patterns
11. Poor concentration
12. Memory loss
13. Paranoia
14. Delusional thinking
15. Decreased/increased sexual urges
16. Poor impulse control
17. Suicidal ideation
18. Homicidal ideation
19. Aggression
20. Skin picking, nail-biting

Medication treatments are essential for our well-being; however, when combined or even alone, certain medications can create havoc in the body and our moods. Unfortunately, we are not usually aware we struggle with disorders since we cannot objectively see ourselves as others do.  We often discover we have an issue based on reports made by others or when symptoms stop once we stop taking medications.

If you do not live with others, you must read your prescriptions carefully.  Keep a medical journal and document all reactions, even if they seem minor.  If you notice a physical change, like rash, lack of sleep, or oversleeping, report it to your doctor immediately. Mood changes compile slowly, beginning with minor occurrences we often ignore, such as changes in appetite or sleep. We can become easily irritable, forgetful, and unfocused when we lose sleep. 

Mood swings are not just about feeling anxious, depressed, or irritable but also can be expressed in behavior shifts. It is essential to recognize that our eating habits change when we are anxious or depressed. Our sleeping patterns and eating habits contribute to dysregulation of our brain chemistry, which eventually impacts our moods. In addition, if you are struggling with pain, you may notice feeling unmotivated and lacking the energy to do things; this can be a sign of depression, which should be reported to your medical facilitator.

The key to maintaining our health and overall well-being is to be mindful of changes and not dismiss them so quickly.

Copyright © 2022 R. Castro