Relationship Compatibility

When we meet, we often confuse feelings for someone for compatibility.  The idea that someone likes us usually makes us think we are instantly compatible.  The fact is liking someone does not mean we can maintain a healthy and balanced relationship. What often starts with sparks may end up in ashes when compatibility is missing. It is easy to want to jump into a relationship because someone expressed interest or abruptly told us they love us. What is a real challenge and often difficult is being compatible with life goals or individual needs.

There are no guarantees when it comes to love; however, you do have the opportunity to make decisions that help harness a harmonious outcome. There is no need to settle or make hasty choices because you believe there is no one out there for you. However, before you can have a fulfilling relationship, you need to know what type of partner you are attracting because not everyone has the same relationship needs.  Whether we are aware or not, we all have certain relationship beliefs that contribute to the type of individuals we attract for romantic partners. 

To help you break unhealthy patterns, let us review the type of potential people and roles we face in relationships. Here are some examples of the kinds that many of us may have dated at one point or another:

• Sexual Needs – Some individuals just want a friend with benefits and do not see the point of a romantic relationship. It is easier for some individuals to be physical rather than emotional since there is less risk of getting hurt. In truth, if you do not wish to be just a booty call, then wait on having sex.  However, understand great sex does not equate to a great relationship.  It is indeed part of a good relationship, but sex alone does not provide everything you need in a relationship; you deserve the whole package.
  
  
• Needs a Surrogate Mom/Dad – Some folks do not like adulting.  They feel better when someone else takes care of things such as pay bills, house chores, or makes significant decisions for them. They were often raised by parents who took care of everything, which means they did not learn the skills need for cooking, housekeeping, and paying bills.   When these individuals get involved, they expect you to manage all things related to adulting, so don’t be surprised if all the heavy lifting is on your shoulders. Keep in mind, changing a person is not ideal nor easy, so decide if this is the role you wish to maintain for the sake of your relationship.
  
  
• Loneliness filler – Many of us do not like being alone, which means we may find ourselves connecting romantically with the first person that tells us they love us. Even if the person is abusive and mistreats us, we remain with them since being alone is completely scary. The sad truth is that when you are involved with someone abusive, you are alone because you are not respected or getting emotional support. Better to be miserable alone than with miserable with a lousy partner.
  
• Family-focused –Some individuals are great at focusing on their family and catering to their kids’ needs but have no clue how to engage in intimate relationships. It is a struggle for some to focus exclusively on their partners once they have kids. It’s like the focus shifts towards raising kids, and marital needs fade into the background. When couples forget about each other and focus mostly on the family, it comes with a price.  The intimacy dwindles, and common interest fades, which means once the kids have grown and left home, the couple is left feeling like two strangers. It is essential to relearn how to date, especially when the kids leave the nest.
  
  
• Social status – Many individuals get married since they were taught marriage is a social milestone they are supposed to fulfill. Relationships for some is considered a social norm rather than a romantic necessity. Individuals who marry for social recognition tend to prefer partners who have lots of money, status, and education since, after all, they need to maintain social appearances. If you are not into social status, then review the pro’s and con’s of remaining in the relationship
  
  
• Housekeeper – This role is similar to surrogate Mom/Dad, in which the person expects you to take care of their housekeeping and cooking.  However, they manage to pay all the bills and take care of adult-related manners.  However, when it comes to managing things around the home, they make you feel like a housemaid since they pay all the bills.  If you are not helping with the bills, it may be implied that you do housework. If you are not thrilled about housekeeping, make sure to have a conversation about this topic rather than suffer in silence.
  
  
• Trophy partner – Dating a trophy partner is similar to dating for social status, except that the idea is that the person needs to have a specific look.  The individual must look like a model or have outstanding physical features, plus dress a particular way. In summary, they need to be eye candy because the goal is to show them off. In this case, you are going to be treated as an object and not like an individual.
  
  
• Cultural roles – our culture, not race, will determine our social needs and values.  Our cultural upbringing impacts our personal views, beliefs, and ability to have relationships with others. Get to know about your partner’s culture even if you are from the same race since it will help you navigate and understand the nuances of their beliefs and behaviors.
  
  
• Transitional partner- there are many times we meet people right after breaking up. When we connect with new people, we are still grieving and struggling with painful issues related to our old relationship.  Unfortunately, if we do not work through these issues, our new partner becomes the unexpected target for our emotional baggage. Take your time in healing, and do not avoid grief by entering relationships too quickly after a break-up
  
  
• In love with love – Some of us are in love with the idea of love. We jump into a relationship after relationship because we love the surge of energy that is part of new relationships. Sometimes we connect with individuals simply because of romantic feelings and not necessarily out of compatibility. Be honest with yourself if you are simply in love with the idea of being in love
  
  
• ATM mate – Some individuals just want someone to financially take care of them, which may seem alarming and unfair to some. However, historically women were encouraged to marry mostly for financial security.  Not all individuals have learned to be financially independent, and because of this, they view relationships as a financial safety net. If this is an issue for you, address it early on to avoid resentments.
  
  
• Spiritual union– Our spiritual background can strongly influence our selection of mates. However, regardless of your spiritual practices, you do have many other qualities that may clash and create disharmony, so make sure to review not just your spiritual needs but also your general beliefs. 

Keep in mind; there is someone for everyone. Some individuals are ok playing specific roles and feel fulfilled entirely by them.  However, understand there is no one standard way of doing relationships since everyone is different. The heart loves without logic; however, love alone does not sustain a relationship when they are too many struggles and incompatibilities.  This blog’s general message is to be aware of what you need and what type of partner you are attracting, so you can make the most of your romantic connection.

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