Our current status in life is often a reflection of our beginnings. How we were prepared for the future as children has set the stage for today’s events. As kids, we had no idea or choice in how others treated or influenced us. However, as we get older and gain experience, whatever we learn as children can be unlearned and reformatted to assist us in creating a better life.
Fortunately, not everyone had the same childhood, which means that not everyone has to work at healing through loads of patterns. However, it is essential to recognize how certain learned behaviors shape the type of partner or friends we bring into our lives. Also, the patterns from our childhood will impact how well or poorly we get along currently with family and others.
Our initial history has influenced the following areas:
- Attracting abusive individuals – We gravitate to what we know when it comes to attracting new people.
- Repetitive Sabotaging behavior– there is a tendency to relive patterns that hurt and keep us; we often do so because of predictable outcomes, even if they are harmful. As the saying goes, “Better the devil you know than the one you don’t.”
- Poor communication skills – There is a tendency to avoid hot topics because, historically, we have witnessed adverse outcomes from confrontations.
- Fear of closeness – Being able to relax with others may not have been a normal activity due to constant chaotic patterns or ongoing bickering.
- Limited trust – You discovered that sharing secrets often created problems or led to betrayal.
- Parental Role Models – Living with parents who did not provide good parental skills will make us question our ability to raise kids or even want them out of fear of repeating history.
- Undiagnosed Mental Disorders – Unstable family life often means that children with mental or emotional disorders go undiagnosed and are often treated as “difficult “children.
- Negative Coping styles – self-soothing with unhealthy choices such as drugs, alcohol, overeating, or over-shopping is typical in unstable homes.
- Low Self-esteem – We learn to see ourselves in the worst possible light due to negative reinforcement from chronic criticism and put-downs.
- Partners Mimicking Parental Behaviors– There is a tendency to date partners who represent our parents; as a result, they repeat certain behaviors very similar to our parents.
- Current Family Relationships – Our present-day family relationships may be stuck in the past, and we struggle to gain respect from our parents or siblings.
Breaking patterns and getting others to see what we see regarding relationship dynamics is not easy. The truth is that we cannot change how others behave, but we can influence how they treat us. However, before we can improve any relationship with others, we need to identify our patterns, develop ways to improve ourselves and build healthy boundaries.
Here are some things to do:
- Get a journal – take some time and write down how you feel about or view your childhood. Make sure to add all the details honestly.
- Describe childhood views– How do you recall your childhood, and how did it shape your beliefs today? You can keep this simple by using a few words.
- Identify negative Coping Skills – what poor coping skills did you inherit from your family?
- Belief system – what beliefs and customs are shared by your parents or caretakers that you consider good or bad?
- Trace your patterns – what type of patterns keep you stuck?
- What personality traits – did you inherit from your parents or caretaker?
There is a lot to review regarding our patterns and behaviors. It is not enough to state that we had a happy or lousy childhood because too many variables contribute to our current state of being. We are complex individuals with ever-changing views and patterns. However, the idea of exploring patterns will give us more insight and opportunities to improve as best as possible.
Recommended Reading
This book was selected because it offers individuals additional tips and methods for reviewing their unique patterns as individuals and how they impact the quality of relationships as a whole. I hope you enjoy the information and remember always to take what helps, and if you find something that doesn’t align with your views, it’s okay to disagree with them.
Holistic Coaching 